This week’s question comes from Lissa:
Dear Orna and Matthew,
I’ve been following you guys for a few months now and really love your advice. One thing has come up for me recently. I’ve become aware that I have a fear of “being found out.” What I mean is that when I’m in a relationship I have this fear that I will not live up to the expectations of my partner and at some point they will be disappointed in/by me and not love me any more. What can I do to release this fear?
Thanks for your question. This fear of “being found out” is actually fairly common. Many of us have an underlying belief that we are not worthy of receiving love and therefore fear that we will be found unworthy.
We’re fairly certain that in relationship you feel you have to prove your value, and this causes you to go into sacrifice as you try to prove your worth to your partner. While you fear that your partner will be disappointed, what actually ends up happening is that you feel resentful because all of your hard work is not being reciprocated. Since your partner does not feel the need to prove their worthiness, they of course are not working as hard as you are in the relationship.
It all ends up being exhausting…
We’d like to give you a way to get off of this hamster wheel. It begins with your own sense of worthiness. First, realize that this story of being unworthy is an old one that has nothing to do with your partner. Second, take regular actions that remind you of your worth and value.
Honoring your feelings is a great step towards reminding yourself of your worthiness. (It is common when one feels unworthy to also believe that expressing what you truly feel will not be received well by others.) We want you to know that your feelings do matter, and the best way to honor your feelings is to express them (even if it is to a third party – that is a good place to start.) When you honor your feelings and express them authentically you are telling yourself that you are valuable, and that you matter.
Another way to raise your own perception of your value is to write a list of your lifetime accomplishments. Start with the earliest and most obvious, learning to walk and talk, and work your way up to the present. This exercise is best done when you feel good about yourself and should be added to on a regular basis. Most people focus on their failures and disappointments. When you focus on your successes you begin to realize that you have accomplished a lot in your life.
Additionally, begin a daily habit of writing down 5 successes of the day before you go to sleep at night. Keep a journal by your bed and write down 5 successes for that day. It is helpful to remember that daily accomplishments are relative. When you are sick, it is a success to make toast and tea. The more you focus on your daily successes, the more you develop the habit of believing in yourself and your worthiness. (When a lifetime accomplishment occurs you can bump it up from your success journal to your lifetime accomplishments journal.)
Does this sound like it takes effort and time? Yes! It does take effort and time to create a great relationship – even with yourself! Our transformational program Your Soulmate Blueprint® will take you deep into Your Love Imprint® so you can discover the source of what’s really blocking you from love and help you gain a new level of confidence that you never even knew was possible. When you amplify your radiance, you will not only attract Mr. Right but inspire him to want to give you more love. We want you to know that YOU ARE WORTH IT! The rewards for this shift are literally endless.
Lastly, we want you to know that you really don’t have to do anything to be worthy of love. Just by existing here on this planet you are worthy. We are all worthy of all the love we desire. The sooner you know this, the sooner that love will be reflected back to you through the eyes of your Beloved.
Love and Abundance,