This week’s question comes from Nickie:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I really need the best dating advice to help me with this situation. I hope you can help.
I have been out of a long-term relationship for about 3 months though it was over about a year before. I know it is over and see why it could not work with us. A couple of nights ago friends introduced me to a man who seemed completely into me and we just clicked and he was so easy to talk to. The problem is we had such a great time and after a little too much alcohol we got intimate. Have I completely ruined the chance of a possible relationship? Will he never respect me? And if he does call how can I change this without scaring him away?”
Yes, dating can be confusing especially after a long relationship. Many women who marry younger and find themselves single after a couple of decades struggle with how to approach dating later in life.
Using the same strategies or expectations you had in your teens and 20s is not going to work now that you are a more mature adult. It’s time to learn new strategies so you can stop dating like a teenager!
What does it mean to date like a teenager?
- You decided whether or not someone is your soulmate based on chemistry or a feeling, not on whether or not this person shares your values.
- Compatibility plays a much larger role than it should. You base your decision on whether or not you share various likes and dislikes.
- You commit too early and with not enough information about who someone really is.
- You look for superficial reasons to select or deselect a partner instead of taking time to discover who they really are.
- When you discover that the relationship is not a good fit, you make the other person bad or wrong or you pick a fight with them in order to break it off.
- You get intimate too early without discussing what it means and create drama where it isn’t necessary.
It seems like the last item on the list is what is confusing you and causing you unnecessary anxiety.
The key to approaching dating and sex as an adult is that you can talk about it like adults. Ideally, you would have the conversation about sex before you sleep together, but that does not mean you can’t go back and clean it up after a night of passion.
What does sex mean to you? Does it mean exclusivity? Are you comfortable with casual sex without a commitment?
Whatever your answer to these questions, being able to have the conversation about sex before you have sex, and not on the way to the bedroom is a mature way to approach sex and creating a relationship.
Here’s what we suggest you do: When he reaches out to you have an honest conversation with him about the situation. Tell him how you feel. You can even share that you feel anxious about what happened and that you would like to get to know him better and that you are interested in investing time with him.
The truth is you don’t know much about this man, so slowing things down will give you a chance to learn more about him and see if the two of you are a good match.
If he doesn’t reach out to you or seems disinterested in pursuing anything further with you then be glad that you discovered early who he is and that you didn’t get too invested emotionally.
It is important for you to be a values match with the man you choose to create a long-term relationship with. The problem is most people are not sure what their values are or how to create that kind of relationship.
Our online program, Your Soulmate Blueprint™, guides you through the process of discovering your unique Relationship Drivers as well as supports you to cultivate the tools to manifest the relationship you desire.
All the details are at www.YourSoulmateBlueprint.com.
We are here to be your guides to love!
Love and Abundance,