This week's question comes from Tami:
Dear Orna and Matthew,
Thank you so much for your work! I truly enjoy and have learned so much from your emails.
I'm not dating at the moment; I'm in a bit of a self-imposed learning and recovery about my past relationships mode. When I am putting myself out there I either attract one of two kinds of men, the clingy, needy man or the player. I know… they are the opposite sides of the same coin. Both groups of these men are emotionally unavailable and very selfish.
I hear you say all the time that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships… So, since I am the common denominator and the only one I can control or change, what do you think it is that makes a woman like me so attracted to (and continually attracting) this same kind of man, and how can I change it?
I feel that I have so much love to give and I really want to know what I can do to change this pattern now that I have identified it.
Thank you very much for giving me a place to ask this question, and I sure hope you choose to answer this for me.
Thanks for your kind words and thanks for writing to us. This is actually a very common issue with many of the women we coach, and while the solution can be very simple, it is not always easy to implement.
What you’re describing is what we call a “Double Bind.”
A double bind is an internal conflict where two parts of you are at odds with each other and as long as those two parts are at odds, you will remain stuck in this pattern.
Since you are already beginning to realize that you are the common denominator in all of your relationships, you’ll recognize how this internal conflict is manifesting itself in your external life.
You described the general type of man that you attract as being “emotionally unavailable and very selfish.” Are you aware of you own story of love in your family of origin of how love was unavailable and withheld from you? Which parent appeared selfish in their love for you?
As you dig into these questions, you will begin to reveal Your Love Imprint™ (your specific blocks to love from your family of origin). Part of Your Love Imprint includes this double bind of men who are needy and men who are greedy.
This is the simple part we mentioned above. Identifying a double bind and how it works is fairly straightforward once it is pointed out to you.
The more difficult part is releasing yourself from the inner conflict and bringing the parts of you into rapport with what you really want.
We can describe this to you but unfortunately, the healing does not happen on the conscious level. The healing needs to happen in your subconscious mind, which we cannot access in answering your question in an email.
The only way to release a double bind is to work with someone who is skilled at accessing the subconscious through the tools of transformation. And until you release the double bind, you will be stuck in this pattern. This is the deeper issue that dating programs, information products, and life coaches cannot address.
What you need to understand is these parts of you are all working for your highest good. They just have a really bad strategy for getting you what you want.
Unfortunately, the subconscious does not distinguish between a strategy that gets you what you really want versus one that doesn’t. It just sticks with what you know – with what is familiar.
The good news is that we are the relationship coaches who are skilled at identifying and removing your unique subconscious blocks to love!
In order to transform subconscious blocks you will need to work with the subconscious in the language of the subconscious. If you are interested in a powerful program that can guide you to release your double bind, then we recommend our online program, The Science of Creating Love™.
This 7-module online program guides you to discover your past patterns, transform them, and then create a new vision of what love means to you. Each module contains guided process work to help you release your past patterns and create a whole new map to love.
You can read more about The Science of Creating Love™ here.
Once you complete this journey you’ll be free of this stuck pattern and able to choose the right man for you – one who is emotionally available and ready to commit to a long-term relationship.
We would truly be honored to be your guides to love.