This week’s question comes from Lily
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I really appreciate your help and read your answers every week. Thank you!
The holidays are a really hard time for me. My husband filed for divorce just before Christmas 8 years ago and I can’t forgive him for ruining this time for me. He said he felt like I didn’t give him any space to be himself – I made more money than him and he was always resentful of that.
We didn’t have any children so I can’t make the holidays about them. We got married in our early 20’s and now it feels like time is running out for me. Lately, I find myself avoiding my family as much as possible. I’m tired of the questions about who I’m dating and when I’m going to move past my ex.
I so want to enjoy the holidays again with my soul mate right now! All the men I date don’t want to make a commitment and I feel like I’m being used. I certainly don’t want to introduce any of them to my family. I just don’t want to be alone anymore and I don’t know what to do.
Please help me!”
Yes, the holidays can be a difficult time to be single and dating. Like you’ve shown, there is a lot of pressure to find someone who can share all of those holiday events with, culminating with the ultimate pressure filled event, New Year’s Eve. It’s enough to drive you into the arms of the nearest available man. This is a strategy that results in high expectations and crushing disappointment.
We want to offer you a different path this holiday season, one that could very well make sure you never spend another holiday lonely and alone. To accomplish this, you need to change the direction of your focus – away from your anger about your ex-husband, away from finding the right man (right now), and towards becoming the right woman – always.
The path to accomplish this feat requires that you stop looking for someone to complete you and start becoming the best woman you can be. This requires you to take some loving actions with yourself.
The first step is to release yourself from finding “him” now. Relax, enjoy the holidays with friends and family, and ignore all those questions about why you are still single. The winter is the perfect time to reflect and introspect. Take this time to look inward and develop a positive self-love practice.
Here are a few suggestions:
1. Release the hurts and heartbreaks from the past.
Forgive yourself, forgive your ex-husband and any other people who have betrayed, abandoned, and disappointed you. Discover what the lesson was for you to learn, be grateful to have that knowledge and experience and move on! Learn from the past, forgive and move on. Finding lasting love is about what your heart truly desires.
2. Treat yourself how you wish to be treated.
There is no wiggle room here. If what you desire is respectful love, then you must be giving that love to yourself. Embrace all the parts of you – the good, the bad, and even the ugly. You must be willing to give yourself the same love and acceptance that you are looking for in your mate.
3. Be committed to your own growth.
Whatever your spiritual path may be, commit to it fully. This is your path to wholeness. Only by becoming whole yourself will you attract another whole person. In relationship, water seeks its own level – if you want to create a lasting relationship, do the work to move forward on your journey and you will surely meet your partner along the way.
4. Make a list of qualities that you want your partner to have.
Be very specific. Focus on values, personality traits and internal qualities, not on physical traits or external qualities. If it is important that your soul mate be successful, then focus on the qualities that made him that way, not the amount of annual salary. Then go through the list and ask yourself: “Do I hold/have this quality? If not, how can you cultivate it?
5. Do not settle!
It is possible for you to have everything you want in relationship. Keep your eye on the prize! When you waste time with someone who is not what you truly desire, then you are telling the universe that you’re willing to settle for less. Stop wasting time with good enough, and go for what is in your heart’s desire!
There can be a lot of pressure on you during the holidays; you can at least give yourself a break by taking some of this advice and start new habits that inspire you to take good care of yourself.
Expecting that someone would magically show up in your life and treat you differently than how you treat yourself is a bit silly. Your outer world is simply a reflection of your inner world.
If you really want to get to the root of what is in your way from having the love that you desire, schedule a Your Love Imprint® session with us. You can consider this a gift to yourself this holiday season.
During Your Love Imprint session we will speak with you on the phone and diagnose your specific Love Imprint – the system running in your subconscious mind that was put in place when you were a very young girl and is still playing a crucial role in ‘selecting’ who you have the spark of attraction with.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,