This week’s dating question comes from Brandon:
Dear Orna and Matthew,
How do you tend to a two-year-old broken heart?
My fiancée and I ended a long-distance relationship just over two years ago. I understood her reasons behind wanting to end it, yet it still hurts in that in my highest hopes I had found the woman I’d spend the rest of my life with. Needless to say, in time, she has found someone else. I am very happy for her (and told her as such), yet there is still the pain of not being able to make the relationship work.
I know in time that I will feel better and know that someone will come along to allow me to move forward. In the meantime, the pain and disappointment is still as raw as the night she told me she didn’t want to continue what we started. I’ve gone out a handful of times with other women, but no one has come close to being able to duplicate the magic my ex-fiancée and I shared.
Thanks for reaching out to us and we’re sorry that you are in so much pain. Yes, it will pass and eventually you will begin to feel better, but we guess that knowledge isn’t helpful in dealing with the pain you feel right now.
We want to give you some tools that will not only help you feel better about your situation, it will actually allow you to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again. You’ve had two years to mourn the relationship and yet it still feels “as raw as the night she told me she didn’t want to continue.” This tells us that there is something here for you to learn.
The first step for you to do is allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Grief has no time limit, so let go of any judgment you have of yourself because you haven’t been able to move on. Our feelings do not have any logic to them. When we judge ourselves because of what we feel, we don’t allow that emotion to move and we get stuck.
The next step is to find the golden nugget of learning from this situation. Relationships that did not work out are here to teach us. When we get the learning then we can let go of the grief and move on. You’re going to write a letter to her (that you will NEVER mail) where you thank her for coming into your life, because without her you would never have learned __________________________.
What you put in the blank is unknown to you at the moment or you would have moved on already. What you learned from has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. Take time to discover the vital piece of growth you received from her so that you can release her.
When you discover the Golden Nugget, shred, burn or in some way destroy the letter. You won’t need it anymore. Make a ritual of it and say aloud “I release this for the highest good of all.” Allow yourself to mourn and move on.
Stop looking to repeat the “magic” that you had with her. When you find your soul mate it won’t feel like it did with your ex. It will feel better. It will feel like something you’ve never felt before. Get clear on what you truly desire and go find it.
We hope this helps. Keep us posted on your journey.
Love and Abundance,