This week's question comes from Desiree:
“Orna and Matthew,
I’ve been following you two forever it seems. I think you give the best dating advice for women. I’ve been dating a lovely man for about 3 months now and he hasn’t officially proposed… although he’s asking me questions that are letting me know he’s already thinking about it.
The news is everywhere about Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande getting engaged after dating only 3 weeks! Argh!
I know celebrities don’t follow any “rules” and I'm not about to run off and get married. I am curious about what you two think is the right amount of time to wait for a couple to get engaged and start planning a wedding.
Looking for lasting love this time!”
Thank you for your sweet comments. We are so happy to know our work is having a positive effect on you.
We’re not so much into “Rules” as people are unique, so couples are unique, and we don’t like to coach in a cookie-cutter style. There is not one way to create love – rather there are infinite ways!
What works for you, may not work at all for another woman who is reading this blog post right now.
It is important to really know someone before getting married – and the only way to really know someone is to spend a lot of time with them.
Most people date backwards, meaning that they go on a date with a stranger and because of feelings that are evoked in the presence of this stranger they twist into a pretzel trying to make things last – to make the feeling last.
Because of the chemical high of the Romance Stage of relationship, it’s all too often that the benefit of the doubt is given to a stranger. Then once the Romance Stage inevitably wears off and the couple finds themselves in the Power Struggle Stage of relationship they start to think they made a mistake in their choice of partner.
There are FIVE Stages Of Relationship. There are a lot of different names for these 5 Stages, we like to reference Dr. Susan Campbell’s work and the labels she gives them:
- Power Struggle
As you can see the Commitment Stage of relationship is the FOURTH Stage. This is not about exclusivity (that comes much earlier), this is when the couple is in a place to say to each other, “I see who you are, warts and all, and I choose you!”
Have there been couples that last to their Silver and Gold anniversaries and beyond who got engaged during the Romance Stage – Yes of course! This is why there is not one recipe for lasting love, and it is important to know what drives you in relationship as well as what you need and want.
Too many couples get engaged during the Romance Stage, start planning a wedding and by the time the commitment ceremony occurs they are in the Power Struggle Stage.
There is a skill set for lasting love because ultimately love is a choice.
When we are clear on the vision of the kind of relationship/partnership we are looking to create it is much easier to meet a person on a date and observe if they fit the vision.
Once again, most people do it the other way around – they wait for the feelings to occur with a person and get fixated on the person.
Ultimately we don’t get love from another person we share love with them.
It is the love you have for yourself that is reflected back to you in your Beloved’s eyes.
The great Sufi poet, Rumi, has written many beautiful poems about love, this one being our favorite:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
If you’re unsure how to know if the man you are dating is a good match for you, or if you simply struggle to have the soul-satisfying, long-lasting love you desire the best place to begin to look within for your own barriers to love is with a Your Love Imprint® Session.
We were all raised by flawed people, who were raised by flawed people, who were raised by flawed people and even if you had lovely parents who did the best they could, every single one of us was not loved exactly as we wished we would’ve been in our family of origin.
Your Love Imprint® is the system that is familiar to your subconscious that is love to you. It is made up of your limiting beliefs, mental/emotional patterns, and behavioral strategies for giving and receiving love.
It is what is identified as FAMILIAR.
If what is familiar is not in alignment with what you desire there is an internal mismatch going on inside of you that will block you from the love you want.
Being aware of Your Love Imprint® simplifies the steps from where you are to where you want to be.
You can apply for and read about a Your Love Imprint® Session here: www.YourLoveImprint.com
We are here to be your guides to love!
Love and Abundance,