This week's question comes from Janet:
Hello Orna and Matthew,
I’ve been reading your emails for a couple years now and I guess it’s time that I write you to gain some clarity. I’m highly educated, successful (I work in medical field) – I feel like I have everything in my life that I want… except my guy.
The concept you share about your love imprint has really stuck with me and I have really thought deeply about where I’m at and I just can’t seem to get a grasp on what my blocks are.
Recently, I had an ugly break up with a really great guy. I really thought things were going well, he pursued me at the beginning, and it seems that things changed a few months ago… if I had to pin-point it, things changed after we had sex. I started to feel really uncertain around him – I felt like I couldn’t be myself or like I had done something wrong.
I tried reaching out to him so that I could feel more connected, but he pulled away and when he broke it off he said he just didn’t see a future with me. This is the part that hurt the most… I did see a future with him!
So here I am heartbroken again… and this one seems to hurt more than the rest. I don’t seem to know how to choose the right man for me, or something. I’m starting to think that despite my success in my career and every other area of my life, I have great relationships with friends and family, and yet I can’t seem to find a man who would want me for a lifelong partner.
I’ve never been married, and it’s something that I want so badly. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me that once I’ve seen a man for a while they sense it … but I can’t seem to get it.
I have done a lot of personal growth work, so I know in my heart that I am deserving of love, and yet I seem to never get what I really want. I am so tired of doing this. Please help!
Thank you for reaching out to us. We are so sorry to hear about your broken heart. We know that is not a great feeling and there is little we can do to alleviate the pain, however, we can offer you some ways to make this the last heartbreak you ever experience.
The fact that you are highly educated let’s us know that you are smart. Unfortunately being smart is not an ally when it comes to creating love on purpose. You can watch our video “Why Smart Women Stay Single” and gain some more information about why this is true.
Attempting to figure out Your Love Imprint™ on your own is something a well-educated successful woman would do… and we want to honor your ability to create many of the things that you have wanted in your life. The truth is that Your Love Imprint™ is locked inside your subconscious mind, using your big beautiful prefrontal cortex is not the right tool to access that part of you.
Many times we will speak with a potential client about their Love Imprint and they are fixated on the “normal” childhood that they had so they are not sure why they could be blocked to love.
Children take full responsibility for what is happening around them. We don’t have the ability at 2-4 years old to say, “Gee Mom, this is really bad parenting. What I need from you right now is for you to give me a hug and tell me you love me.” Instead, that child has a thought that goes something like this: What is wrong with me that my parent is behaving this way?
As that child we make a “decision” about ourselves and the world around us. We like to call this a decision because that puts us in the drivers seat to make a new choice to create positive change. Every family has a dynamic that we must fit into in order to feel loved and safe.
What we identify as Your Love Imprint™ encapsulates the block to love that is tangled up in this “decision.” So we end up with Love Imprints like:
If I am my true self, I will be abandoned.
I am unlovable.
I can’t trust love.
Love is a battlefield; I have to fight to get any.
The conscious mind does not recognize these as true and that is the disconnect that many people fall into attempting to diagnose themselves.
With the information you gave us, it would appear that as a little girl you were not loved or accepted for who you really are. Maybe a parent would discount your wants and desires or would constantly tell you that you were wrong in some way. At this point we are guessing somewhat because we don’t have all the information about your family of origin.
The tools that we have perfected to work with our clients allow us to access the subconscious mind and do a process we refer to as a “Pattern Interrupt.” When we interrupt a mental-emotional pattern with regularity it will eventually fall away and a new choice – a new way of being emerges. We call this the Tipping Point in behavior.
Choice in behavior is what creates happiness! Right now, you do not feel that you have a choice; you simply have a strategy, a behavior that occurs. We would guess this particular behavior occurs after you have sex for the first time with a man. (It may have many parts to it because as human beings we are complex.)
Most people ask us – how long will it take to get to the Tipping Point?
This is the one thing we can never guess at. It’s like asking, “How many licks will it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?”
We do know that we can reach the Tipping Point over time with consistency – which is why we offer a variety of opportunities to work with us in programs that last over a period of time and with clients who are committed to creating change.
If you are ready to explore Your Love Imprint™ with us, you can fill out the application and book time to be on the phone (or via Skype) here: http://YourLoveImprint.com
What we want you to know is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. You have simply learned a faulty strategy to feel loved – one that is now getting you the opposite of what you desire.
It’s like the auto-pilot setting on your GPS for Love is currently set to bring you the feeling of not being worthy, or feeling broken in some way. The good news about being smart is that you can learn a new strategy.
As you said above, you are deserving of the love you want. Right now your subconscious is in conflict with that belief. Change your auto-pilot setting and everything will change for you!
We would be honored to be your guides to love.