This week’s question comes from Alisha:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I have been gobbling up everything you two put out for many years. I love seeing how you interact with one another. It gives me hope to see you two, the hope that someday I can have lasting-love.
One of the things I’m unsure about is how to choose a husband, someone I can really trust. It seems like a daunting task to select a partner for life – and yet that is exactly what I want. I want great love, one that will last a lifetime.
Is there a set criteria that I need to know? Is there something specific that I must include? I’m always afraid that I’ll miss something really important. Like when I worked with a dating coach and made a list of all the qualities I want my guy to have, I continued to rewrite the list for over a year adding things until it was a mile long.
So how do I do it? How will I know when it’s the right person?
Thank you in advance.”
Thank you so much for reaching out to us. We value you as part of our Love On Purpose Community™. Knowing how to choose a husband can certainly seem like a daunting task – especially if you’re expecting to just stumble into your ideal man by accident.
Lasting-love is a choice. Ask any person who has ever been married for any length of time.
Unfortunately, making a list of qualities you’re looking for in a mate won’t magically materialize that human being in your life. Plus, even if that did work to bring in a guy who matched your list, how do you know that he’s an ideal match for love to last?
Selecting a mate is something that most people don’t put a lot of time into until AFTER they’ve met someone who gives them all the feelings. Then they jump in with both feet before finding out some important things first.
Most dating coaches and online dating sites focus on chemistry and compatibility as the most important things to focus on when you are dating.
While chemistry and compatibility are important pieces of a healthy relationship, they are only two parts of a bigger picture. You can have chemistry but not be compatible or you can be compatible but have no chemistry. You can have chemistry and compatibility but not know how to navigate conflict together.
When you are focusing on outward qualities of a person – height, eye and hair color, education level, etc. – you are missing who that person really is. We’ve had plenty of clients discover that the guy who was shorter than the arbitrary height requirement they had set was actually the sweet, thoughtful, sexy guy they had always desired.
So set aside your list. In fact, go ahead and burn it or shred it. You don’t need it anymore and it isn’t getting you what you want. Instead read along as we share a new approach to how to choose a husband and spend the rest of your life with your soulmate.
5 Things You Must Do To Select An Ideal Mate
You can’t be loved for who you really are if you don’t show up as who you really are. Being authentic seems like a no-brainer until the chemistry is hot off the charts, because when that happens most people twist into a pretzel trying to please the other person at all costs.
When you’re looking to appease the guy you’re hot for you end up losing yourself. Your needs count and matter from date #1 and beyond. There is zero need to go into sacrifice, however, for many people this is the default setting on the their “GPS For Love.”
Authenticity doesn’t mean that you are unkind or cruel; it means that you express your desires and how you feel. It means you’re not acquiescing time and time again wondering when it will be your turn to get what you need and want.
Ultimately, it’s important to let your freak flag fly so that your Beloved can find you!
Your Soulmate will love that thing about you that all the others left you over. You don’t have to hide those parts of you because the right guy for you will cherish you for those very same qualities.
Let Him Lead
If you never want to ask him, “Where is this going?” You will always let the man lead. This does not mean that you are passive through the dating process. Quite the contrary – you have veto power!
If he’s leading, he is driving the relationship forward – you get to respond. Feminine energy is responsive energy, it is not passive, and when you let the man lead you will know his intentions every step of the way.
When you allow a man to lead you’ll know that he wants a relationship with YOU rather than just some companionship (and maybe sex) with a woman who is simply convenient.
Think of the energetic dynamic of two ballroom dancers – one leads and one follows. It’s the male role to provide the solid foundation for the female to do the pretty twirls. Let him lead and you won’t burn yourself out doing all the doing wondering when it’s your turn to get what you want.
To put it bluntly, the person with the pussy has the power.
Too many women abdicate their power and have the false belief they must be “easy going.” A man who wants a relationship with you will step up and claim you for you a relationship.
A man who steps up for you in the dating process will stand by you in a marriage.
If you do all the pursuing you’ll never get the fulfillment you’re looking for. You can’t drive part way and then once the energetic dynamic in the relationship is set expect the man to take the wheel.
Men are wired for efficiency. If you’re doing it, they won’t see a need to do it. Create a vacuum and they will fill it. Let him pursue. Let him lead.
If he doesn’t make an effort, let him go.
Don’t Rush To Exclusivity
Most people date backwards: They give the benefit of the doubt to a stranger because of the rush of emotions that overcome them.
As soon as a man they find attractive wants to take them off the market they jump into exclusivity before they know who the guy is.
Take your time! Dating is a process and you should put off sex with any guy that is in the running for a relationship.
When you go exclusive too soon you waste a lot of time. Those relationships take you off the market and you spend 3-9 months in a relationship that has no longevity. Then you start the process all over again wasting many years because you’re not cultivating discernment through the dating process.
Men who aren’t serious about wanting a relationship will move on quickly because you’re asking them to step up. When they disappear be grateful! That’s how you don’t waste your precious time.
It is important to communicate clearly that you are not ready YET. This is key so that the guy knows he’s in the running, but you want to slow down the pace. Otherwise he may think you’re not interested and move on.
You get to set the pace of the relationship and it’s better to make a man wait than it is to rush in. Any guy who won’t wait for you doesn’t really want YOU.
Do Not Avoid Conflict
Discovering how someone behaves when there is conflict will let you know if you are capable of working things out together over time.
Just as you have challenges that come your way as a single person, you’ll still have curve balls thrown at you when you’re in a couple.
It’s better to discover early on if you can work through challenges with the guy you’re dating than to wait and find that out after you’ve gone exclusive and merged your lives together.
Conflicts occur in the best and healthiest relationships.
Matthew always says, “If I lived with the Dalai Lama there would be things that drive me crazy about him too.”
Learning how to move through conflict in a way that creates a deeper connection is an important skill to master. This is how love grows between two people over decades together.
When there is a conflict pay attention to his behavior. Ask yourself the following:
- Does he shut down or shut you down?
- Is he able to hear you and give space for your feelings?
- Does he take responsibility for his part?
A man who is willing to work through conflicts with you and take responsibility for his part is the guy you want. This is exactly what you want to discover as you date someone over time.
Conflict doesn’t mean that this is person is “wrong” for you. It’s HOW you two navigate through conflict that matters.
Discover If You’re A Values Match
Longevity in relationship comes from being a values match. When you share common values it’s easy to work through the conflicts that arise as you share common goals.
You discover what someone values by where they spend their resources: time, energy, and money. If resources aren’t spent there, it’s just lip service.
The tricky part about this is that you cannot have a conversation about what someone values and find out anything worthwhile. It’s not that people intend to be manipulative; it’s just that what we value shows up in our actions.
You discover what a guy values by dating him over time and paying attention.
It’s imperative that you know what you value and to see objectively if you two match. A majority match on values is all you need to know that you can weather the storms together.
So throw that mile long list in the fireplace and start your journey to your Soulmate with a fresh approach – one that allows you the time to discover who he is, what he wants, and if the two of you have what it takes to make it last.
We are here to be your guides to soul-satisfying, long-lasting love.
~Tired of struggling to get the love you want? Discover what could be blocking you from love in this short video by clicking here.