Does dating frustrate you? Are you clear on how to date to find a spouse? Or are you bumbling through the dating process just hoping that Mr./Mrs. Right just magically connects with you? No one will fault you if you’re just looking to have a good time, however, if you want to bring in a beloved life partner then dating with purpose is imperative.
Dating just to be social is the norm in your 20s, but if you haven’t updated your dating strategies since then and you want to share your life with someone, it’s time to get serious about finding your beloved. Using the same approach without considering your goals will leave you frustrated and feeling cynical about finding love.
Too many people use the same strategies no matter their goals or desire for a serious relationship. If you’re looking to create lasting love and to live alongside your beloved, raise children, and spend a lifetime together then how you date must reflect these goals.
Let’s take a look at some of the differences between casually dating and having fun, versus looking for a beloved partnership. It’s essential that you adjust your dating strategies when you are ready to meet your soulmate and create a life together.
How To Date When You’re Serious About Finding Your Beloved
Take An Inventory Of Where You Are Today
It’s easy to blame your past dating struggles on the opposite sex, or that you can’t trust dating apps to protect you from scammers. But the truth is, a dating site or app is only a tool for meeting new people. The tool itself is neither good nor bad. How you use the tool, and the results you get from it are actually in your hands. If you want to know how to date successfully, then evaluating your current dating strategies is the first step.
Whether you know it or not, you have been fighting for love on your terms, and yet you probably have no idea what your terms actually are. You likely never sat down and took a good look at your usual dating strategies or made a plan to upgrade them. If you’re ready to get serious about finding your soulmate, then start by taking an inventory of where you currently stand. Have you been expecting that an ideal mate would just show up one day and it would magically work out? That the person you find attractive is the same as the person who is an ideal match for you? Did you rush through creating a profile on a dating app and hope that things worked out for the best?
Look at your attitude, your limiting beliefs about love and dating, and your behavior on your dates. Give yourself an honest evaluation noting both your strengths and weaknesses. Pick one or two areas that need improvement and commit to taking a new approach.
Slow Down The Dating Process
If you want to know how to date for lasting love slow down the dating process. It’s easy to leap into exclusivity the moment you meet someone that you’re hot for and get excited about the possibilities. This can cause you to rush into a commitment before you really know who he is. Don’t give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Take your time and discover who he is before you commit your heart.
Attraction alone is not enough for love to last. It is only one part of a bigger equation that makes a happy, healthy, and harmonious relationship over time. Plus, attraction comes from a part of your brain that isn’t looking for the best match for your long-term success, instead it is only searching for what feels familiar.
You see, your subconscious mind is looking for a match to an internal program that was written when you were just a little girl. This program includes your limiting beliefs about love, your mental/emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies for giving and receiving love.
This program is created from the dynamic in your family of origin and depending on your childhood, may or may not be the most effective strategy for selecting a life partner.
When your subconscious recognizes a familiar pattern, it sends out a signal saying, “This is familiar! This is familiar!” It is easy to confuse what feels familiar with excitement and attraction. Have you noticed that when you feel an intense attraction with a guy that the relationship doesn’t last? For a time it may feel great, but eventually, you end up heartbroken again and without the lasting partnership that you desire.
Slowing things down by postponing physical intimacy and exclusivity so you can gather more information about who he is and what he values puts you in a position to make better choices. Ultimately, you’ll want to slow things down through the dating process in order to speed up identifying an ideal match. It may seem counter-intuitive; however, you’re doing yourself a favor if you can identify and break any negative patterns you’ve been stuck in.
Date More Than One Person At A Time
Since you are no longer rushing to exclusivity you can learn a lot more about yourself and a potential partner by dating more than one person at a time.
Knowing how to date more than one man at a time is a skill that you will find very useful. It also opens up the possibility of dating more types of men rather than sticking only to ones you find attractive.
Attraction is not a requirement for a date. It is necessary for a long-term committed relationship, so you can set aside the fear of settling for a sexless marriage. Just don’t place your bet on chemistry alone and instead commit to discovering about yourself through the dating process.
Dating more than one person at a time allows you to discover your ability to show up authentically and be yourself whether you feel a strong attraction with a man or not.
Simply dating more people over time allows you to track your patterns and course correct so you don’t make the same mistakes and to up-level your dating skills. You become better at finding an ideal partner instead of just a short-term hookup.
When you juxtapose the experience of being on a date with someone you’re hot for, versus someone you’re just lukewarm about, it will highlight where you can improve on your selection process. Plus, you might go on a few dates with a guy who is crazy about you, and even if he’s not the guy for you long-term, you’ll gain the experience of knowing how a man behaves when he is serious about you.
Do you lose yourself and sacrifice your needs and wants when the attraction is intense? Maybe you start pursuing him and twisting into a pretzel to get him to like you?
Noticing the difference in your internal dialog and in your behavior when you’re hot for him versus when you are not will allow you to avoid the relationship dynamics that have never worked out for you thus far.
Finding an IDEAL partner is the goal and you only find that out over time. Taking this time upfront instead of being on a dating hamster wheel will save you a lot of time in the long run.
Speak How You Feel And Make Requests
Do you secretly hope that the right guy will just magically know what you want and need so that you won’t have to tell him? Have you met that extraordinary guy who gets you and is able to read your thoughts?
This unrealistic expectation is wreaking havoc on your love life because no one can read your mind or know what you need and want.
The foundation of soul-satisfying, long-lasting love is communication, and it begins from the moment you start having any kind of dialog whether it’s in person or over text.
Discovering how to date successfully for lasting love means that you are able to be authentic by speaking how you feel and making requests.
There isn’t some magical unicorn of a man who will get you and always know how to make you happy. Releasing this fantasy is one of the best things you can do to open yourself up and turn hope into results by learning to express yourself and take responsibility for your own emotional life.
Plus, most men are attracted to women who know what they want and ask them for it. A man who is interested in having a relationship with you will want to know how to please you, and a guy who is only interested in something casual will never be converted or convinced that he should marry you.
Speaking how you feel and making requests will allow you to discover whether or not he is capable of meeting your needs, or if he’s even willing to try.
Does he get defensive? Perhaps he dismisses your feelings or tries to manage them? Or is he able to hear you and acknowledge your feelings? You won’t know what he is capable of if you don’t speak up.
When you become a master of communication (even when your emotions are heated) you will have the key to creating a lasting loving connection with the man who is your ideal match for life.
Don’t Iron Out Conflict
No long-term relationship is without conflict or disagreements. Wouldn’t you want to know if you can navigate conflict with this guy before you invest your heart and a few years?
Too many women want to be easygoing and ignore possible issues early in the dating process. Don’t be confrontational or disagreeable, but also do not iron out conflict when there is something important at stake or you’re not getting something you need.
You’ll discover so much about him and his ability to communicate when there is an issue between you. Also, conflict can be a doorway to a deeper connection with him because navigating conflict together is the key to sharing a life together.
When you are authentic through the dating process you will never doubt whether you should stay or go because it will be obvious to you.
Learning how to date someone while addressing the conflicts between you allows you to discover your ability to weather the storms of life together. You’ll also get clear if you should jump ship and move on to find a better match.
Discover If He Shares Your Values
The biggest arguments in marriages have to do with sex, money, and children. Irreconcilable differences are a leading cause of divorce. Knowing that the two of you are on the same page with what is really important will go a long way towards making your relationship last.
If you want to know how to date for lasting love, then you need to know that the two of you share similar values before you make a lifelong commitment.
You will likely have differing strategies for coping with life’s challenges. If you share the same values you can work through those differences. If you don’t, then those conflicting strategies can tear you apart.
So how do you discover what he values? You pay attention to where he spends his time, his energy, and his resources. He can say he values family, but if he isn’t making an effort to introduce you to his family or to learn about yours, then there is an incongruity that you can’t ignore.
Take time through the dating process to observe what he values. Share the bigger vision of what you desire in a relationship. Be open to the fact that the two of you may have conflicting strategies.
Lasting love won’t be something you stumble into by accident. Instead, learn to date in a way that increases your chances of selecting an ideal partner and love lasts for a lifetime. Be honest with yourself about your desires and goals and take actions that move you toward what you want.
Curious to find out if you have been making major mistakes in your dating strategies? Check out our free report, “7 Major Mistakes That Single Women Make That Block Them From Finding True Love … And How To Avoid Them.” We share the massive mistakes that you could be making and give you a new approach to dating and mating. This puts you on the path toward your beloved life partner.
Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER. They uncover subconscious blocks to love so that you can select an ideal partner to share your life with. Follow them on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.