This week’s question comes from Jamie:
I’ve been reading your emails for nearly 7 years. I love watching your webinars, and seeing your straight up approach to answering questions. Now here is mine:
How do I know if he’s the one?
I’ve been through your Soulmate Shortcut course nearly 4 years ago and by following everything you laid out step-by-step I ended up in a great relationship with a fabulous guy.
After being divorced, with work and taking care of my kids, I just didn’t think I had the time to figure things out how to do a relationship differently, and the last thing I wanted was to end up at the same place again with everything falling apart.
Your course showed me another way, and it proved to me I could find a guy who would be different than my ex-husband. So maybe now I’m just second guessing everything – I do think a lot and I know that I’m smart so my brain is super active.
With the holidays I’m getting the feeling that my BF will propose and as much as I love him, I’m still worried about whether he’s The One for me FOREVER. Having been married before, I thought I chose well the first time and it didn’t work out… so now I don’t think I trust myself.
My current BF is great! He’s never been married and I know that it’s important to him. I don’t think our relationship will last if I just want to keep things as they are.
Can you help me?”
Thank you for reaching out to us about your predicament. We’re thrilled to know you received so much benefit from being part of our Love On Purpose Community.
We understand that you’re feeling unsure about the future and whether or not your boyfriend is your forever partner. Understanding that marriage is important to him is great, and we’re curious if you actually told him how you feel about getting married again (in general).
Certainly nobody gets married thinking it won’t work out. Hope is the first thing that comes into a relationship and it is the last thing to leave. A lot of people find it hard to release the hope long after a relationship has ended.
In your case though we’re wondering about the flip side – the grief.
As you didn’t share the details of your divorce we have no idea what happened, although it seems that even though you moved on and are now in a new relationship that you haven’t completely healed from the divorce.
One thing that we believe is that for a relationship to have longevity you must be a VALUES MATCH with your partner.
It doesn’t matter if you have the same hobbies, or like the same kind of music. If you don’t share the same values it will be very difficult to navigate through the challenges that life will inevitably throw at you.
The thing about values is that you cannot have a conversation in order to discover what someone values. You learn those things about another person over time as you see where they spend their resources: their time, energy, and money.
Our Soulmate Shortcut™ course allowed you to remove some of your blocks to love allowing you to evaluate men as partners in a radical new way. A way that you had never done before, which brought you to a whole new kind of man to have as your boyfriend. Heartfelt congratulations to you! This is a huge achievement!
Most people go through their entire adult life wanting to find a partner in a conscious purposeful way – and you’ve done it! Brava!
It seems that you’ve forgotten one of the cornerstones of the program – BE AUTHENTIC.
If you think you’re boyfriend is going to propose, make sure you carve out time to discover if this is on his mind simply by sharing how you feel about getting married – or not ever getting married again.
You cannot say or do the wrong thing with the right person.
It may be uncomfortable, and we understand that you’re scared. What is most important is that you share all of that with him. Let him know how meaningful your relationship is to you, and that you love him dearly. Let him know your concerns.
You do not want to wait until he has planned what he thinks is the perfect proposal only to discover that your answer is, “I don’t know.”
Getting married, or not getting married, needs to be decided upon with clarity and purpose. Those wounds you have from your divorce are a good reason to be sure you’re making the best decision for yourself, but not a good reason to never get married again.
Have you ever had a bad meal at a restaurant?
We imagine you have. Did you never go to another restaurant again?
We bet you have. You just didn’t go back to the restaurant that served you the bad food. Just like you wouldn’t marry your ex-husband again.
Rather than making this huge decision in a vacuum by yourself, we suggest broaching the conversation so you can share your feelings, fears, and goals and you can find out about his.
If he is thinking about spending his life with you, he will also want to know that the two of you can make these big decisions together. He may very well feel relieved that you brought it up so he can open up and discuss with you what’s on his mind.
The idea of a guy popping the question and not knowing if the gal will say, “Yes” or “No” is antiquated. It’s better all around if getting married is a decision that two people make together.
It’s normal to have some fears and reservations about taking this big step. Do not let your past experience limit your future possibilities and happiness. And certainly do not punish this current boyfriend for your ex’s bad behavior whatever it may be.
Finding out now if the two of you can come together about something you each feel very differently about is the key to knowing if he is the right man for you forever.
We are asked all the time how we work together while being married to each other – essentially spending 24/7 together, 365 days a year. It’s an odd question as if we have some secret sauce that makes it easy.
The truth is that it’s easy most of the time because we get along very well, we value the same things, we really like each other, and we get each other. It’s not about what makes it EASY – it’s really about what we do when we don’t agree. Or we each have different solutions to the same problem we are looking to resolve. Or those rare times we each want different things.
It’s that last one that you’re asking us about. You won’t know if you can rectify those situations with your boyfriend if you don’t have the uncomfortable conversation.
The saying, “Don’t rock the boat!” is a crock of B.S.
In relationship, the only way to know if a man is right man for you is to rock that boat. Speak up and share how you feel with him. Don’t be afraid to be unapologetically you, and to let him know exactly what is going on with you.
You may find that your desires are not that far apart. You can also seek professional help. There are many pre-marital programs that can enlighten you to be able to make this decision alongside your boyfriend together.
Ours is not a public offering. To date, we’ve only done pre-marital programs with our past private clients. If you would like information on what we offer in this regard, please email us here.
The Gottman Institute studies have proven that the majority of couples will sit on a relationship ending issue for a minimum of 6 years before seeking professional help.
This boggles our minds as getting professional help in every other part of life is considered strategic and smart, like hiring a head hunter or a career counselor, or even an executive coach, or leadership trainer and mentor.
When it comes to love, remember that lasting love is a choice. Determining who your lifelong partner will be is not one that you ought to make all by yourself.
Love and Abundance,