Hi Orna and Matthew,
I read your emails regularly, your wisdom is evident, but I rarely see anything that quite relates to my situation….
My husband of 30 years left me 4 years ago. We tried Counseling for 6 months and whilst the Counselor was very positive about our relationship, my husband said he didn't want to save our marriage, and he moved out.
I discovered later that he had been having an affair for almost a year before then – although he has never admitted it to me and pretends he lives alone.
Whilst this all seems pretty normal and too common, things are not quite that straightforward.
We have a business together and still work together every day, he phones to chat regularly, we still have a joint bank account, we go out for dinner from time to time, he is always affectionate, always kind and caring, will do anything for me, buys me little unexpected gifts from time to time, we bought a new investment property together just last year, we have 4 properties we own and manage together, we go away together for weekends to visit our grown-up kids etc. In fact, everything is exactly the same between us, very connected, except, we don't live together and we don't have a love life together.
So I am still totally in love with him, for me I still have a close relationship with my soulmate love, it's just not quite the whole relationship that I truly want – and I have no idea what to do, should I move on, how to move on, I'm totally stuck?
Yes, you do seem to have a unique situation. However, even though many women we speak to are not as enmeshed with their exes, they do still have the same concerns. How do you move on when your partner doesn’t want to be married to you, and yet wants all the benefits of being your partner?
Because that is what is really going on here – he doesn’t want to be married to you anymore, but he also doesn’t want to give up the friendship and partnership benefits.
We understand your reluctance to move on. You love him. You have a business with him. You share children with him. You need him to keep your life working on a day-to-day basis. Moving on promises to bring a lot of change and a lot of pain and we understand the desire to avoid that.
But first, ask yourself a question: How long can you continue living this way?
Maybe you can keep it up for a few more years, living with just the crumbs. You’ll have a partner. You’ll have someone that you can have a bit of emotional intimacy with. You won’t have the physical intimacy you desire. And you’ll know that he is getting it from someone else.
The truth is for things to change you’ll have to find the courage to tell him the truth and be willing to take a stand for all the things that your heart desires.
It’s imperative that you let him know what you know – and that this life is not acceptable to you. That he chose to leave the marriage and that you cannot continue to have a partnership together. That the two of you must find a way to divide the property and the business and move on.
It won’t be easy. It won’t be fun. But it will allow you to grieve the relationship. It will allow you to heal your broken heart. And it will allow you to find someone who wants to be with you body and soul.
We don’t just have one soulmate. It’s romantic to imagine that we do, however, the moment your husband moved out and moved on without you he broke that bond and he is no longer yours to hope for.
Right now he has no incentive to change his behavior because you tolerate it. He is getting what he wants. He has his new girlfriend and there was very little drama from his ex.
Meanwhile you’re sitting here with a broken heart on a daily basis. Every interaction with him pours salt into the wound of your broken heart – plus there is no space for you to heal and for you to move on too. There is no space for you to even notice Soulmate #2.
When you are ready to accept that you deserve more then you’ll take action. Until then, nothing will change.
If you’re ready to discover why you have been willing to accept the crumbs of this relationship without taking action our DIY Program – The Soulmate Shortcut™ will give you insights to determine Your Love Imprint® and how to transform it too.
We get it, hope is the first thing that comes into a relationship and it is the last thing to leave… right now it’s easier to put your mourning on hold and hang on hoping that he will come back.
Your Love Imprint® is formed in your family of origin and it is the subconscious program that not only decides who you feel drawn to create a relationship with, but it also drives a lot of your behavior in your intimate relationships.
When you discover the system of Your Love Imprint®, which includes your limiting beliefs about love, your mental and emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love, you’ll understand why you’ve allowed this situation to go on this long and why it has been so difficult for you to move on.
Watch this video that explains everything about Your Love Imprint® and how The Soulmate Shortcut™ program can help you here:
We are here to be your guides to love!
Love and Abundance,