This week’s question comes from Julia:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
Thank you so much for the love on purpose revolution. It is great!
I would like to know if there is anything coming up regarding the difference between fear and intuition. I recently split with a man b/c he called me a few really horrible things (cunt and selfish bitch) when I asked him to talk to me about a conflict we were repeatedly having after being together not quite 2 months. He refused to talk to me after my asking several times and so I told him that I was going to leave the restaurant where we were, which is what prompted him to text me those terrible names. The issue was that he wanted to see me on the weekends (we were in school together all week) but I commuted 2 hours away to be with my friends and family on the weekends. He “couldn’t” come with me b/c of his obligation to his large dog. I feel guilty that I didn’t bend more about spending time with him on the weekends but asked him to be patient with me for the remainder of school (2 weeks at the time remaining) b/c my mom had just relocated to this area and it was important for me to be close to her on the weekends. He took my leaving VERY personally and I felt uncomfortable with how inflexible he was. It seemed like a red flag to me (among others throughout out two months together). I feel like he cared but was too controlling and that made me very nervous for what was to come. It seemed a little extreme to me. He claims that I was afraid and I believe my intuition was telling me to get away. I would love to hear what you two think if you have a moment, but if you don’t I totally understand. For future reference, I believe there are a handful of us gals who possibly struggle with deciphering between the two and I personally would LOVE to hear about how we can trust ourselves (tips, etc.)
Thank you for your time.”
Thank you for your question. It is something we haven’t yet addressed here in our newsletter. Many women struggle with understanding the difference between fear, anxiety, or intuition.
First, we want to say that it sounds like your intuition was spot on in this situation. This man definitely sounds controlling, impatient and inflexible. Hopefully it was not acceptable to you that he used such disrespectful language when expressing his anger and frustration. You two are young, however that is no excuse for using blaming or abusive language in the middle of a disagreement.
Understanding the difference between your emotions and your intuition is something that takes a little time and practice. Our intuitive voice is often times very quiet because the noise of our thoughts, emotions, and desires are drowning it out. It helps to develop a practice that teaches you to quiet your mind. Yoga, meditation, tai chi, gardening, even exercise can be a good practice to create inner peace. Take time to explore what works for you and make it a regular part of your routine.
It is also helpful to know how your intuition communicates with you. Do you get a feeling? Does it speak to you? Or do you just “know” that you’re supposed to take a specific action? Your emotions can also be a good barometer for knowing what to do in certain situations. You described feeling uncomfortable and seeing red flags. Both of these can be ways your intuition communicates with you.
Where we can get confused is when our emotions and desires are in conflict. Wanting something to happen so badly that you look for any reason why it will work out in your favor is one way you can confuse yourself. Notice if your desires are clouding your judgment in relationship.
When you become aware of how your intuition communicates with you, then it is time to cultivate it by taking action. Trust those feelings or thoughts that seem to come without asking. Take action and see the results. You took action on your intuition and he revealed his true colors to you. Remember that intuition is generally quiet and not repetitive, so this is a clue for when you have a powerful desire you will have it again and again – this is not your intuition.
Think of intuitive messages as a butterfly that lands on you – a miracle! It is a gift, and something to pay close attention to.
Gain some clarity around fear, what fear means for you, and how you experience fear. Fear minus danger equals excitement. Physiologically in the body we experience fear and excitement exactly the same way – shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, etc. The only difference is our inner dialog – what are we saying to ourselves about this experience?
You didn’t share if you have had any abuse in your background, It is common for those who have had an abusive childhood to mix these signals up. Rather than feeling fearful, having a feeling of an intense connection that is misconstrued as excitement. This is actually the subconscious mind saying, “This is familiar,” that’s it.
Our subconscious does not hold any judgment so it does not let us know if the “familiar” is good or bad for us, this is left up to our cognitive brain to decide. Generally, men who are abusive are very controlling, and it can begin with a violation of respect with language as you describe above. It sounds to us like you made a great decision to love yourself first, take care of you first, and anyone who doesn’t back that up 100% is not the guy for you.
Decide now that your guy is out there and exactly how he will behave, even when he is angry and frustrated. Saying, “No” to everything you don’t want is a great signal to send to the Universe that you will not settle for less than your true heart’s desire.
Love and Abundance,