This week's question comes from Perplexed:
Hello Orna and Matthew,
Love the insightful advice you give so I thought I'd ask for your insight on my situation. I have been out of the dating scene for 7 years due to health challenges. Recently, I've met someone who is helping me overcome these challenges and helping me get my life back. As I've gotten to know this man, I've discovered he has many of the personal qualities I wrote down six months ago when I meditated on finding a soulmate.
In fact, it's a little unsettling to see this manifest right down to him being a great cook and loving a “green lifestyle.” Although he's told me he sees me as a good friend, he also has expressed interest in seeing me more. This is after he set me up to meet his friend (an older wealthy gentleman) who he thought I might like to date.
I met his older friend but didn't feel an interest or a connection and told him so. Since then, he calls or e-mails me and although it's related to business, he finds ways to share his interests with me, talks about my interests and has cooked me two dinners confessing he doesn't do this for just anyone, just close friends.
After, each dinner, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek goodnight. Here's the kicker… when we first met, he told me he was searching for a soulmate who would give him children… and here's the other kicker: he's 45 and I just turned 59. Yet, I still feel a connection with this man because we have so much in common in terms of goals, attitudes, beliefs, spirituality, etc.
Here are my questions: Is this how a man treats a woman “friend?” Should I even be a friend since I do have feelings for him but haven't said anything to him? Is he just passing emotional time with me until he finds his soulmate? Is the age gap too much and why would a man who obviously wants children (requiring a younger woman) be interested in an older woman? Have I been out of the dating scene so long that I'm totally misreading the situation? He's already talking about taking me to see a friend's farm next weekend…
We understand how you could be confused in this situation. You seem to be getting mixed signals from this man and it is being clouded by your desire and attraction to him. We've said it before, men tell you who they are and what they want by their actions. This man's actions are clearly telling you that while he has feelings for you, he is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. If he were interested, he would have taken action by now.
He wants to be with a woman who will give him children. Whatever he feels for you, you don't fit his criteria. We feel strongly on this issue – if someone desires children, then they will never be satisfied in a relationship in which they can't have them.
This man obviously cares for you and appreciates the emotional intimacy that the two of you share.
Is this how men treat a woman friend? There is no definitive answer for that. It is clearly how this particular man treats his women friends. Friendships between men and women are a tricky thing. If both of you are heterosexual, then it is hard to ignore the role that attraction plays in friendship. However, if there is an attraction present, most people prefer not to act on it because either they don't see the relationship lasting, and they choose to maintain the friendship over the risk of a romantic relationship.
It seems that you are caught in what we refer to as “the lie of love.” The lie of love states that love is limited. It is only available from this one person, at this specific time and in this specific way.
Don't get caught in this trap. Instead view this situation as the Universe letting you know that what you desire exists and is available to you. His presence in your life is validation of the work you've done on yourself. It means that the man you are looking for is getting closer to you.
Here is the difficult part: Your attraction to him and your desire to have a relationship with him could be blocking you from moving forward toward your Beloved.
We suggest that you stop spending time with him unless absolutely necessary. Spending time with him will only continue to bond you to him and make it harder for you to meet the man who is your perfect match.
Don't settle for crumbs when it comes to love. While this man gives you companionship and affection, he is unwilling or unable to give you more. When you settle, you tell the Universe that you're not serious when you say you desire a soulmate. Send a clear message to the Universe by saying “No” to anything that is less than what you truly desire.
While you've done some work visualizing your ideal relationship, we know that what really creates a lasting, loving relationship is being a values match to your Beloved. Our program Your Soulmate Blueprint® guides you through the process of not only discovering your relationship drivers, it also guides you to cleaning up any subconscious blocks you may have.
While you are close to what you desire, there are clearly some hidden blocks that are keeping you from manifesting an available man who shares your values. You can discover more about Your Soulmate Blueprint® here.
Please keep us posted on your progress.
Love and Abundance,