This week's question comes from Tarryn:
Dear Orna and Mathew.
I have a question if you don't mind. All these techniques, internal work, etc. are great and I truly follow it and try to practice this work. However if you're with the wrong partner (for instance if I'm with a boyfriend who isn't my match/soulmate) then I could do all the internal work in the world and we still wouldn't be able to have that soulmate/relationship we want correct?
It just frustrates me that this work is incredibly great but it really wouldn't make a difference if you're with the wrong person for you? Would love to hear your opinions. For instance, even if you would have done all this work with ex-partners do you think you could've have created the relationship now that you have with each other? Or it's only that great because you are both right for each other.
We appreciate your great question! Is it “meant to be” or can you create a great relationship with any of your past partners? That’s really the question you’re asking.
We have a couple of questions for you. Why are you continuing to stay in a relationship with someone who isn’t your match? And what do you mean by him not being your match/soulmate?
If by soulmate you mean some magical relationship that is easy and brings you infinite joy without you having to put effort into it, then you are looking for a magical unicorn that doesn’t exist. We put work and effort into our relationship.
The truth is that even when you are with your soulmate you will have disagreements, and you will disappoint one another. Even we occasionally fight and have miscommunication that leads to disappointment.
What we do is choose love everyday. We choose to be loving – even when we are angry and hurt. We have tools and skills so that we quickly move through anger and hurt so we can use any conflict as an opportunity for an even deeper connection with one another. Our love grows deeper and deeper because we don’t get stuck in a power struggle.
What we did before we came together was to clear ourselves of our past hurts, disappointments, and all the negative emotions attached to our past experiences in love. Then we got clear on what we really wanted and why we wanted it. When we discovered each other, we also were clear that we were a values match – we wanted the same things.
We didn’t leave it up to chance or fate.
Could we have created what we’ve created with each other with any of our past partners? Sure. If we met them after having done all the work that we did before we met each other. And if that past partner was as committed to making it work, of course! Most of those relationships didn’t work because we didn’t have the communication skills we have now or because we were still caught up in the patterns from our Love Imprints.
Basically they didn’t work because the timing was wrong, more so than it being the “wrong” person. Being with the “right” person is more about how you go about selecting a partner in the first place and how you make the decision to commit to a long-term relationship.
Maybe the timing is wrong with the current guy you are with. Maybe the two of you are not committed to doing what is necessary to make it work. Maybe you don’t have the communication tools to make it work or your love imprints are in the way.
If you are clear that he is not the one for you, move on. If you are unclear on whether or not he is the one, then ask yourself some questions.
- Do you have the skills to talk about anything in your relationship?
- Are you comfortable staying with him if he didn’t change a thing?
- Can you be completely authentic with him?
- Are you a values match?
- Are you able to be yourself in the relationship?
- Do you feel safe when you are with him?
If you answer “No” to 2 or more of these questions then you have more work to do and you might want to think about moving on. Don’t waste time with someone who isn’t what you want.
If you want to be able to answer “Yes” to all of those questions, then you should check out our home study course, The Science of Creating Love™. We created this course because we needed a way to take the work that we did on ourselves and systematize it so that anyone could create their unique true soul partnership.
You can read more about it here: www.thescienceofcreatinglove.com
We hope we’ve helped you view relationships from a new perspective and we hope you keep us posted on your journey to love.
Love and Abundance,