This week's question comes from Rheena:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I hope you can help me. I am 58, relatively attractive, healthy, really interesting and smart – everyone in my family are nice people, my children, my siblings, my parents, all of us really nice people. I've been divorced 5 years and I recently ran into my ex at a close friend’s daughter’s wedding (we were her godparents when we were together so we were both invited to the wedding).
I knew he had remarried, but I had never met his new wife. Everything I heard about her had me confused. My children say that she is completely different than me. That she seems to push my ex-husband around and is super controlling about where he goes and what he does and how he does it. Then when I saw them at the wedding I felt my heart sink. I could see how much he adored her. I don’t think he ever looked at me that way!
Now I understand what my kids were telling me about her. She is loud and demanding and really doesn’t seem to care what other people think of her. Can you explain to me why any man would be attracted to a woman like that?
I’m so confused. I was taught that if you are nice, then people will like you. Right now I feel so alone and I’m hurting – not so much about my Ex – I just feel like I have no idea what a man wants. I don’t know what to do.
Thanks for reaching out to us. We understand your confusion and the source of it too. Believe it or not, this is very common for women – in the USA particularly those raised in the South and the Midwest. They are all taught how important it is to be nice – usually to the detriment of their own needs and desires.
Certainly being conscientious, considerate, and kind are great qualities to have in a partner. Being “nice” is often just going with the flow and not expressing what is really going on.
We are not advocating that suddenly everyone starts acting mean and selfish, especially in today’s polarized climate. Instead we want to ask you, are you sacrificing your happiness for someone else’s comfort?
Being agreeable can actually be a block to creating a True Soul Partnership.
We had a client last year who was dating a guy when she started coaching with us. It was casual, she was easy going and eventually we nicknamed him, “Convenient Phil.”
As long as our client was amenable to going wherever, and doing whatever it was great… for Phil.
Unfortunately, our client wasn’t getting her needs met.
When we coached her to be authentic and to speak how she feels and make requests, Phil stopped asking her out. He deselected her. Which is exactly why dating is supposed to be a process.
Most people jump into a commitment if there’s chemistry, or like our client from last year, just go with the flow hoping that something will change and suddenly there will be a real relationship instead of just casual dating.
A man who wants to be in a relationship with YOU – will pursue you for a relationship!
The only thing you have to do is speak up. We’re not suggesting you be disagreeable, instead we want you to be AUTHENTIC!
Share your truth! Speak up! Tell a guy on date what you want and how you want it.
It really takes all the game playing out of the dating process if you show up as who you really are and let the chips fall where they may.
We recently spoke with our client from last year (the one who was dating Convenient Phil when she hired us as her Soulmate Coaches). The first words out of her mouth were, “Everything you told me is true!”
She’s in her 30s and the guy she’s in love with who she’s very seriously dating now has always CALLED her for a date – not a text – an actual phone call. She said he even leaves her voice mail messages sometimes.
Not once has she had to wonder where the relationship is going. He has shown her from the beginning he wanted to know how to win her heart.
Is being authentic risky?
If you think so, we’re wondering how much you like yourself. You shared that you’re nice… is that enough? Are you worth loving exactly as you are?
If you’re not entirely sure… if you think you have to earn love or prove your value to a man than we have just the program for you.
Our in-depth 7-module program is a roadmap to shedding your subconscious blocks to love, how to date for your soulmate, and create your True Soul Partnership. You can check it out here.
The Science of Creating Love™ guides you through the three stages of transformation:
- Identify and remove your blocks
- Stepping into your authentic self
- Create your ideal relationship
Each module contains guided processes so you can release your patterns (the familiar things that are no longer serving you) and create a whole new road map to love.
If you are ready to let go of your desire to be “nice” and instead start getting what you really want, we’d love to show you the way.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,