As wildfires rage around California we are grateful that many in our Love On Purpose Community have reached out to ask if we are okay. Yes, we are safe and sound thank goodness, however many of our friends are displaced from their homes and several have lost theirs. It’s tragic.
We have been offering support in many ways and we wanted to let you know two things:
- We are safe.
- Self-care is not optional.
Here we are with N95 masks as the air quality all around Los Angeles is very poor and filled with smoke:
Self-care is not optional and it’s not all bubble baths and mani-pedis. Self-care means you put your well-being first and foremost.
This is often the toughest lesson for our clients to put into consistent action.
One of the most insidious myths of accidental love is that Love = Sacrifice. If we are selfless enough and focus on the needs of others we will get the love we want.
We’ve heard from countless women in our community that they gave and gave in their relationships, hoping that would lead to their partner reciprocating in the same way.
Unfortunately, they discovered that all of their giving lead to feelings of anger and resentment, wondering, “When is it my turn to get my needs met?”
We’re here to remind you of the Truth; Love does not equal Sacrifice.
In order to create soul-satisfying and long-lasting love you must treat yourself as you wish for your Beloved to treat you.
No one is coming to save you from yourself. You must first take new actions – ones that are in alignment with your heart’s desire. This is how you create the positive changes that you are looking for.
Treating yourself with self-care and self-love may not always be sexy or comfortable. Actually, for most people it is incredibly UNCOMFORTABLE as they create new habits and release the old ones that keep them stuck.
We have a client currently who is getting used to having what we call “the uncomfortable conversation” with family members and friends. Ever since she was a little girl she was taught to bite her tongue and not speak up about her needs and wants. This left her feeling discouraged, anxious, and often times depressed.
Now, as she is willingly having uncomfortable conversations with her friends and family members, she is discovering a new level of inner peace. She is no longer spinning in her mind about what she should have said, how she should have said it, or why someone is unable to be there for her.
Being authentic has allowed her to create the emotional intimacy that she wants with the people in her life instead of walking on eggshells and running a zillion scenarios through her head of what to do to please others.
Expecting that someone will come along and treat you better than you treat yourself is an unrealistic fantasy.
Here is a list of actions you can take to increase your self-care and break old patterns so you can create a life you love:
- Wait before answering any requests.
How often do you agree to something in the moment only to regret it later and wish you could get out of the obligation?
It is perfectly appropriate to respond to all requests with, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” Instead of answering right away, take time to check in and observe how it feels to agree to the request or to decline it. Your emotional guidance system will always steer you in the direction of your highest good.
- Fill your cup to overflowing and be of service from your saucer.
When you are constantly giving without taking the time to re-fuel or re-connect with yourself, you will feel tired, angry, and resentful. Your giving will no longer be coming from a place of true service. Instead you will be giving in hopes that you receive what you need.
Just like on an airplane, if masks drop you will need to put your own mask on first. If you can’t breath, then you are of no use to the person who needs your help.
If you are empty, then your service will not be helpful to the person receiving it. Make sure you take time to refuel, recharge, and recommit to taking care of yourself. Your overflow will be more than enough for those in need in your life.
- Connect with yourself and your emotions in order to ground yourself in your own body.
You cannot connect with others if you are not connected to yourself. Take time throughout your day and drop into your body and complete the sentence, “I feel ___________.” You’ll soon become aware of your default emotional habits that are driving your behavior.
When we are disconnected to our own emotional life and our needs, then we can mistakenly project our discomfort and frustrations onto others. Instead when we are aware of our emotional patterns, we can create clean boundaries between our loved ones and us.
- Set up a weekly schedule for yourself that includes self-care actions like meditation, journaling, or exercise.
Having intentions to make positive changes in your life is good. Taking actions on those intentions is even better. Instead of waiting to feel better before you take those actions the opposite is true: You will feel better when you take new actions. Create a schedule, track yourself for accountability, and commit to sticking to it.
If you miss a day, be forgiving with yourself and start again. Perfection is not required, only regular consistent actions that move you toward your goal.
- Address issues and problems as they occur rather than letting them build up over time.
Unfinished projects, unspoken conversations, and neglected issues clutter your mind and your emotional life. You will not find the peace you desire by ignoring the problems in your life.
Find the courage to face up to the small, medium, and large issues in your life. The sooner you tackle these problems the happier you will be. Self-care requires that you pull your head out of the sand and address what needs to be addressed.
If you’re worried about becoming a selfish person – please note that only people who are NOT selfish worry about this issue. Selfish people are not concerned with how they are perceived by others. You will never recalibrate 180° from where you’ve been your entire life.
Instead become a person who no longer carries anger and resentment that your wants and needs are never taken care of by others. You’ll find you have the resources available to take care of your own needs and wants rather than expecting someone else will do that for you.
Self-care often requires that we do things that are uncomfortable or inconvenient. You will find that you will experience resistance. This is normal and we want you to know that some days are better than others.
Be kind, compassionate, and loving with yourself through the process of taking responsibility for where you’ve been, and making the necessary changes to create a life you love.
Love is limitless so refill yourself with your own love and self-care. You’ll find there is more than enough for you and everyone else in your life.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to any of you who are struggling with circumstances beyond your control. In life, we grow through our challenges. Through every situation there are always gifts to be received. Focus on the gifts.
Love and Abundance,