This week’s question comes from Alicia:
“Dear Orna and Matthew,
I’m so grateful I found out about you two a couple of years ago. You give me hope! Here’s my question… a guy I thought was my twin flame recently showed back up in my life. Years ago he broke my heart and I’ve done a lot of work to forgive him for what happened.
The problem is there is a guy at work who I’ve started dating. He’s a great guy and I can tell he is crazy about me. There’s no issue about dating in the workplace, we are in completely different departments. A lot of my colleagues and friends think he’s really good for me and I can see what a stand-up guy he is.
The thing is, I don’t find him all that attractive. When I think about being with a man for the rest of my life, I really want his appearance to be a turn on for me. Then I think about what you share about breaking patterns, so maybe I ought to give this guy a chance…?
My twin flame romance was full of passion, but also a lot of drama. He says he’s changed but I just don’t know…
Do you think I should give this guy from work a chance or would I just be wasting my time (and his too)? Or should I get back together with the man I thought was my twin flame and hope he’s really changed?
I really hope you pick my question to answer, as I’m feeling torn up about what to do.
Thank you for your heartfelt question. We feel for your dilemma and we understand how hard it can be to feel like you have to make a decision between two men.
What’s interesting about your question is that there is an either/or with no place for there to be an AND…
Your soulmate will be an ideal match for you – so he will be “good for you.” Just because someone is a good person doesn’t make him a great match for a lasting romantic partnership with you. Also, just because you feel intense attraction with someone doesn’t make him your twin flame.
Here’s the good news and the bad news all rolled up into one statement: You are the common denominator in all of your relationships.
This is good news because it puts you in the driver’s seat for change, and it’s also bad news because that means you have to take responsibility for where you currently stand.
The situation you find yourself in speaks to a deeper conflict within you. If you find that you consistently end up seeing only TWO kinds of men – those who are “good guys” with no spark of attraction, and those that you are hot for, but for other reasons are not ideal candidates that means you’re stuck in what we call a double bind.
A double bind is an internal conflict where two parts of you are at odds with each other and as long as those two parts are at odds, you will remain stuck.
You could say that a double bind is like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Neither choice is ideal and you feel stuck with no way to resolve the issue. It’s like you are arm wrestling yourself and you are equally strong on both sides so neither side can win or lose – you’re at a draw.
The first step in moving on from a double bind is to understand the nature of your behavior. At its root, all behavior has positive intent.
Even behaviors and strategies that frustrate you and cause you trouble in your life are trying to get you something you need. You developed that strategy at an early age and it worked as a solution long enough to become a habitual strategy.
You need to take a new approach to love to break out of this pattern.
So much of the mythology of love is focused on how you feel. The problem is that feelings change!
Over the length of a long-term relationship, you will experience many different feelings about your partner. The belief that the “right” person will show up magically one day and love will be easy gets in the way of creating lasting love for far too many people.
If there are 10 things that are required for love to last, attraction is only one of those 10. Even though it is not the only important ingredient, it is not something that you can sacrifice.
What we know for sure is that you cannot settle for a lifetime.
Life has its ups and downs, and just as you experience challenges as a single person, you will have challenges when you’re coupled off too. About half of our clients are divorced from what we call “The Should Guy” –
“I should marry him, he’d make a great dad.”
“I should marry him, my friends and family love him.”
“I should marry him, he is crazy about me.”
“I should marry him, he’ll never cheat.”
“I should marry him, everyone says that as you age your sex drive declines anyway.”
“I should marry him, _____(fill in the blank) _____.
The spark of chemistry is an essential ingredient when it comes to lasting love. It is the gas in the relationship tank that allows you to find your way through the trials and tribulations that will inevitably show up.
Your twin flame is the guy that you are attracted to AND you can count on him to stand by your side. If the pattern you’ve experienced again and again is that you only find men attractive when you cannot be with them – that is an internal problem.
Wanting what we cannot have is appealing to authors and screenplay writers as their job is to create a dramatic and compelling storyline. The idea of star-crossed lovers goes back even further in time than Shakespeare’s Romeo And Juliet.
Our entire society is obsessed with the notion that romance is equal to overcoming obstacles and drama. This couldn’t be further from what is truly romantic.
When you see an old couple holding hands as they cross the street you know nothing of the circumstances that brought them together, nor what they have endured together.
Love is a choice and it is a choice that you make every single day with the person you are committed to.
Maybe the man you describe as my twin flame has changed and is ready to let go of the drama.
Maybe you’ll develop an attraction for the good guy at work and the two of you will make it last.
We don’t have an answer for which of these two guys is right for you or even if there is some other guy who will be a better match down the road. There is no crystal ball for us to see your future.
What you can do is use this situation to learn more about yourself and discover what may be a big block to having the lasting love you desire.
Most people are choosing the opposite of what they don’t want instead of getting crystal clear on what they do want.
Dating is a selection process that most people have no clue how to utilize for a great advantage.
Instead, most people suffer through countless dates until they meet a person they have sparks with and throw everything else out the window and jump head first into a relationship.
We suggest that you use the dating process to discover about yourself.
You could certainly agree to go on a date with your ex. On that date, focus on yourself and how you feel. Do you find yourself triggered into old thought patterns or are you able to stay present?
Compare this by going on a date with the guy from work. Are you more comfortable and able to be present to your feelings, speak authentically, and make requests with this guy that you don’t feel attracted to?
Go on dates with other men as well and compare how you feel and how you behave. Stand in the position of the observer and simply pay attention to your feeling state and your inner dialog (what you say to yourself about yourself) without any judgment. Better yet, open up to compassion for yourself and simply notice how you feel and be okay with whatever your current feeling state may be.
Dating a lot of people will give you a lot of data to work with to discover things about yourself and the kind of relationship you desire that no other exercise will give you.
Ask yourself, how do I know if I am attracted to someone, what does it feel like?
Does it feel solid, grounding, and warm inside? Or does it feel a little obsessive, intense, and off balance?
Your soulmate is someone who you will feel attracted to and will be good for you. You could say you will feel like you have roots that ground you to the earth, and you also have wings that would allow you to fly.
If you’d like some expert help in digging into your specific patterns and strategies, you can apply for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session with us by clicking here and booking time on our calendar.
We are here to be your guides to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.
Love and Abundance,