This week’s question comes from Confused:
Hi Orna and Matthew,
I have a question and would really appreciate some insight.
I have been with my partner for three years now. During this time we have broken up a few times for up to 1 month. We were both miserable during the break ups and ended up talking about our issues and getting back together.
BUT nothing really changes. We have the same issue again a few months later.
My partner has been married before for 7 years and she left him. He is older than me at 39 and I am 31.
The issue has always been around commitment.
I know he loves me and he spends all of his free time with me. He is a great boyfriend in the sense that treats me well and always tells me how great I am, etc.
But, he has not introduced me to his family. They live in another country but he talks to them on Skype most days. He doesn’t come home with me to NZ when I go to see my family.
He also is unable to discuss the future, marriage, and children. He knows he wants children but does not discuss whether it is with me or when.
At 31, I am watching all of my other friends marry and start a family and I also want these things. When I talk to him about these things, he says he has issues with commitment and will book in with a therapist etc.
He has not yet done anything to work on his commitment issues.
I know he loves me, he treats me well and I know he wants to be with me. But, am I wasting my time here?
I have walked away from this relationship many times so far, and always come back with the promise of change. I get so much conflicting advice from friends. “Leave he is a waste of time,” “Why leave such a good relationship? “
Is it time I walk away for good?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Relationships can be confusing, especially when your partner’s actions do not match his words. Your guy tells you he has issues with commitment and is unwilling to speak with you about your future together, and yet his actions seem to show you that he loves you and cares about you.
The truth is it is pretty simple to know what is going on. Is he taking actions toward having a deeper commitment with you?
From what you shared, the answer is: NO.
Yes, he treats you well and “loves” you, the way he is capable of loving you. But does he want what you want? Do you two have the same values?
Attraction, common interests, and getting along easily are good qualities to have in a relationship, but they are not qualities that will make a relationship soul-satisfying and long-lasting.
Your guy is telling you through his actions that he likes things the way they are and doesn’t want them to change. When you break up, he feels miserable and says he will change if you come back. But when you do, things don’t change.
He is comfortable. He probably does love you. However, it does not appear that he is available for a deeper commitment with you.
You have a choice. Can you be happy if nothing changes? If you answer yes to this question, then stay with him. Be happy. Count your blessings and celebrate your man as he is.
If you answer no, then move on, and do it for good. You are not doing yourself or him any favors by waiting for things to suddenly change. He has shown you that he is not going to change and that he is content with the status quo.
If you truly want marriage and a family, then go find a man who wants the same.
You do not have to make this guy bad or wrong for wanting things to stay as you’ve allowed them to be for all of this time together. It’s YOU that desires the change, so it’s up to you to decide how important these other things are.
The truth is that love is a choice. You can choose to stay where you are and accept what you have as all you will ever have with this man, or you can move on, grieve, and heal so that you can have the space to bring in a man who desires the same things out of life that you want.
If you are not clear on what you really want in a relationship, you can check out our program “Your Soulmate Blueprint”. This program leads you through a process to get in touch with what you really need and want to create your true soul partnership. This is a great tool for re-calibrating your GPS for love.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,