This week’s question comes from Tameka:
Hi, Orna and Matthew,
My “friend” is a former coworker that I have an amazing bond with. He’s a recent divorcee (one year this past November). His hitch is that his wife cheated on him, so in his own words, he’s a bit “dead on the inside” right now, but we have a great time together. In October I told him that I had feelings for him, and he said he just needed more time to get past the one-year mark and through the holidays. The “confusing” part of the situation is that he doesn’t let me pay for anything. Doesn’t that make it a date? (I personally refer to it as hangouts.) We hang out a few times a month for hours at a time (no physical intimacy). At this point, I am giving him until June to make a move. My question is whether or not he’s likely to make that move (his personality and history that he has told me is not one where he’s an initiator). So I’m just wondering how to proceed.
But regardless we have a great time together, and I value and enjoy our friendship. We also talk on the phone for hours on end a couple of times a month. Otherwise it’s daily texting about our days, etc.
What do you two think? To all of those around me who have observed us together or read the texts (in the case of my sister-in-law), we come off like a couple.
We find this an interesting question because what is clear is that you are not getting what you really want, and yet you want to know if that’s okay with us. It is not okay with us and furthermore we want to know why it’s okay with you?
This guy is either too damaged to pursue a relationship, or simply doesn’t want a relationship with you. Honestly this is a recipe for disaster.
Ask yourself this question, “Do I have a pattern for settling for less than what I really want in relationship.”
If the answer is anywhere near a yes then you must be willing to break the pattern and remove any man who is not giving you what you really truly want.
It may sound harsh, however, the truth is that you are not doing yourself any favors by hanging out with this man and investing any more of your time with him. It’s a one-sided friendship because you desire more. He is being selfish by allowing you to waste your time, which makes him not a good friend either.
The two of you appear to be a couple to your friends and family because you are having an emotionally intimate relationship. This emotional intimacy is giving each of you something you need, but ultimately will not give you what you want in the bigger picture. It is also stopping you from pursuing any other relationships, ones that may have real promise, just so you can feel the closeness and intimacy that you desire.
We believe that as long as your heart is tied to someone else – even with a small thread – your Beloved will not be revealed to you.
Right now you spend so much time and energy on this unavailable man there is no room for your Beloved to make an appearance in your life. You wouldn’t even see him if he was lingering in the periphery.
This man is not available to you and likely will not ever be. It sounds like you’ve already given him many months to “make a move” and he hasn’t, that’s all you need to know. You’ve arbitrarily selected June as his “drop-dead” date and we think that you simply need to move that up to now.
Start dating! Use our Date to Discover process to go out with as many men as are not repulsive to you who are making the effort to ask you out. Get on some online dating sites, attend singles events in your area, sign-up for some speed dating. Stop wasting one more moment of your precious time with someone who is clearly not interested in a relationship with you – and is willing for you to not have what you really want so he can have you available when he needs to feel good about himself.
Additionally, we recommend that you do not ask a man out – EVER! A man who wants a relationship with you will pursue you for a relationship. When you allow a man to ask you out and only date men who step-up then you never have to ask the dreaded question, “Where is this going?”
We bet that if you asked your coworker where this relationship is going, he would mumble something about not being ready for a relationship right now and that would be the truth. He is not ready for a relationship. Waiting for him to become ready in hopes that he chooses you when he ready is not a good strategy.
Stop settling for crumbs and go out and create the relationship you deserve!
If you are unclear on what you really desire in your soulmate relationship then check out our online program Your Soulmate Blueprint®.
This program guides you to discover what you truly value in intimate relationship and gives you the map to find a man who is a values match. When you know this then you will never waste your time with a man who is only capable of giving you crumbs.
- Identify the patterns that your subconscious creates over and over again.
- Break free of the past hurts and disappointments.
- Be confident, and show up authentically to receive the love you most desire.
- Have clarity about what you truly want and discover how to create it!
This powerful life-changing program can be downloaded onto your MP3 Player, your computer or your other devices. It’s completely digital so you can receive it and get started immediately.
You can read more here.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,