This week's question comes from Nicole:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I have a question for your blog. I think you have good advice and I want to hear what you think about finding a quality man to date. It’s also nice to hear from a couple that is truly in love.
I’ve done a ton of personal growth and spiritual work and the more I evolve and grow the more it seems finding a quality man just keeps getting harder and harder. I don’t want to sound critical but the men I meet just don’t match up with me.
The good ones are not online. The men I meet online are mostly blue-collar men or guys who don’t have their life together. I don’t want to be some man’s mother and I really want a man who can match me intellectually.
I want to meet my soulmate. I’m tired of waiting. How I’m I supposed to do that when finding a quality man even just for a date seems impossible?
I have a pretty good life. Lots of friends and I’m close with my family. But it really frustrates me that I can’t meet anyone. I really don’t think I’m meant to be alone.
Thank you for reaching out about your struggle of finding a quality man to date. It seems every woman we speak with is under the impression that quality men don’t exist or at least that she has no idea where to find them.
We’re going to give it to you straight. Every single one of our clients who came to us with these very same complaints later on inform us that we are 100% correct about why they stayed single for so long.
We love busting myths about love and today we’re going to tackle the myth of the quality man and why your focus on finding a quality man is blocking you from the love you want.
The Myth of the Quality Man – 6 Reality Checks Every Single Woman Needs To Take To Heart
Quality Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
Just like beauty – quality is in the eye of the beholder.
When finding a quality man to date you may have different criteria than other women.
Your preferences belong to you.
Because every woman has slightly different criteria for what constitutes a quality man, we can’t pinpoint the exact spot where all the quality men hang out. We like to joke that all the quality men hang out at a specific Starbucks but only on Thursdays if the moon is full. (Come on, it’s a little bit funny, right?)
Good men can be found amongst all kinds of other men. There are some men who’ve done a lot of personal growth work and yet they still are not good relationship material. Other men who’ve never read a self-help book in their life (other than how to build a bookshelf) are great men and want a relationship and a family.
There is no generic recipe or one-size-fits-most when looking for a life partner. Plus, in looking for “men” rather than “your man” you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
It’s not like putting out a casting call in Hollywood. You don’t need quality men – you simply need one. One man who is an ideal match for you.
We find the qualifier of “quality man” odd because we would guess you’d find it offensive if you overheard a group of men talking about not finding any quality women to date.
Lumping men into a grouping like this is simply not how the world is. Finding a quality man to date has more to do with your state of mind rather than what is available out in the world.
The World Has More Than Two Kinds Of Men
If you’re looking for a quality man to date and you only see men who don’t measure up, then you’re dividing all men into only two categories: Quality and Inferior.
It’s simply not true that there are only these two kinds of men in the world. The world is full of varied kinds of men, just as there are many types of women.
Plus, how are you supposed to distinguish these men from all the other men in the world? It’s not like they’re all wearing the same color hat or sweatshirt as a mark of their high quality.
It starts to sound silly when we dig in there a bit, right?
The hard truth is you can’t conjure up a quality man by creating a list of characteristics and then eliminating every man who doesn’t immediately match the list.
Looking for a quality man to date means you have to go on a lot of dates and meet men – all kinds of men. Getting to know what someone is made of takes time.
Dating is supposed to be a process, so take your time getting to know someone instead of writing him off before he’s had a chance to show you what he’s really made of.
What You Focus On G-R-O-W-S
If your focus is to avoid all the low quality, inferior men so that you’re able to find all the quality men to date, your focus is on what you do not want. So what you end up seeing are all the men who are unemployed, uneducated, and unreliable.
This skews your view of the world and what is available to you in it.
Human beings are wired for survival so the things that bring us joy and bliss are not as highlighted in the world as the things that might be dangerous.
When you’re certain you don’t want a particular kind of man there is a part of your brain that goes on high alert. This causes you to highlight men that you can’t trust, who don’t communicate well, who are emotionally unavailable, or whatever your list includes. Your brain is highlighting these men to make sure you see him and steer clear of him.
Unfortunately, this creates the opposite of your desired result because everywhere you turn you see all the men you don’t want to be dating (much less end up in a relationship with).
This filtering process is not occurring in your conscious mind, it’s happening on autopilot.
Instead of seeing all the quality men available to you, you are inundated with the low quality, inferior selections that you have sworn off.
Here’s the tricky part about how your human brain is wired – you’ll miss out on seeing the man who is a great match for you because your focus is elsewhere.
You believe he is a myth, a fantasy, a unicorn even!
A good man is not a unicorn. In fact, there are plenty of them right in your town – wherever it is that you live.
The facts are that middle-aged men are dying from loneliness. They have been beaten down to believe they can’t do anything right, that women are impossible to please, and that all women see men as a paycheck with a penis.
Men have become more cautious in how they approach women. They have their own limiting beliefs about the women they are meeting. And many men make the same mistake women make by sharing their dating horror stories as a way to bond on a first date.
Most men you go on a first date with or interact with through an app or an online dating site do not have a dating coach. They are probably using the same dating strategies they developed when they were young men just figuring things out. Patience, curiosity, and a little effort will reveal a good man who just doesn’t make a great impression on a first or second date.
Your Inner World Creates Your Outer World.
The world appears to us as we believe it to be. If you believe that all men will cheat, your mind will filter your experience to highlight cheaters and possible cheating behavior and it will filter out evidence of the contrary.
Take some time to dig into what your limiting beliefs are about men and relationships.
Have you had a lot of negative dating experiences? See if you can discover the patterns hidden within your own experiences and you’ll begin to uncover the beliefs underneath.
Most people believe that their experiences create their beliefs.
They can easily recite the list of negative experiences that led to their current belief about the lack of quality men.
What if you have a limiting belief that causes you to highlight these negative experiences? What if there are quality men all around you but you can’t see them because you don’t believe that they exist?
We call this a negative hallucination. A hallucination is when you see something that is not there. A negative hallucination is when you don’t see something that is right in front of you.
It is easy to see this occurring when you come across someone who has a negative belief about a particular race or religion. As much as you would try to share with them the folly of their prejudices, you would be met with a brick wall.
The same occurs every day with dating. Women get together and share their negative dating experiences and reinforce the belief that no quality men exist. Then they go on dates with men and become critical of every little part of his behavior. This reinforces their belief and makes it even harder to see a man for who he really is.
You’ve probably been on the receiving end of this from a man who is still bitter about his divorce. He can’t see you for who you are because his hurt and anger blinds him to the person in front of him.
Do You Inspire Him Or Judge Him?
Knowing how to communicate what you feel and what you want will go a long way to identifying a quality man over an inferior one.
A quality man can be inspired to step up into his better self. He will see your requests as clues to how to please you, make you happy, and win your heart.
An inferior man will become defensive and possibly dismiss your feelings and your needs.
If you are judging him and not giving him a chance to step up, you will never discover who he is or what he is capable of.
It is true that women are the inspiration for men to change the world, and you can inspire him to be the man behind the woman and the wind beneath your wings if you simply give him some time to discover that you're worthy of his efforts.
Judgment is one of the biggest blocks to love.
It closes down your heart and shuts off your curiosity. It works as a justification for your beliefs that are keeping you from the love you want.
So you can stay single and be right, or you can risk a bit and withhold judgment until you’ve given time for the jitters to wear off and see one another as simply two imperfect people looking for love.
See if you can approach each man with curiosity. Share with him what you’re inspired by. Let him know how you feel. Give him an opportunity to step up and provide what you need.
Dr. John Gray, author of the mega best seller “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” says, “It is not a man’s job to make a woman happy. It is her job to make herself happy. A man’s job is to make her happier.”
Give a man an opportunity to provide you with lifelong happiness. The right man for you will never ever stop wanting to bring a smile to your face.
You’re Doing Too Much
The most important reality check that we can share with you about finding a quality man to date is to stop doing so damn much. If you want your man to man-up and take care of things, then you have to leave some things for him to tend to.
We find that most successful career women who don’t need a man but want to share their life with someone get frustrated that a man doesn’t pursue her right out of the gate.
He may have been burned in the past, and he doesn’t know you yet. He’s doesn’t know if you’re the one… yet. He may need some time to decide that you two are a match. Even Hannah Brown of the Bachelorette knew that the men who go on the show have other motives to begin with because they don’t know her yet.
The truth is that a man doesn’t hunt unless he’s hungry. He will only put in effort if/when he needs to.
An attractive man may be used to women doing all the work and offering sex with no strings attached. At some point, these men decide they want a wife and a family, and they won’t be selecting one of those women who make it easy for them.
We are not suggesting you play any games, instead, we want you to take the pressure off yourself to win him over because you are the prize!
There are women out in the world who think of Matthew as commitment-phobic. This couldn’t be further from the experience that Orna had from the very first time Matthew called her.
If a man is ready for a relationship, he will pursue you for a relationship. Give him time to get to know you through dating and if he doesn’t move the relationship forward move on.
There’s nothing you can do to make a man relationship ready. It’s really not about you – it’s about him.
We are here to be your guides to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love. Book a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Call with us to discuss how you could be keeping yourself safe from the love you want.
Love and Abundance,