This week's question comes from Lily
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I am so tired of being lonely and alone and with the Holidays coming up I don’t know what to do.
This time of year is a really hard time for me. My husband filed for divorce just before Christmas 8 years ago and I can’t forgive him for ruining this time for me. He said he felt like I didn’t give him any space to be himself – I made more money than him and he was always resentful of that.
We didn’t have any children so I can’t make the holidays about them. We got married in our early 20’s and now it feels like time is running out for me. Lately, I find myself avoiding my family as much as possible. I’m tired of the questions about who I’m dating and when I’m going to move past my ex.
I so want to enjoy the holidays again with my soulmate right now! All the men I date don’t want to make a commitment and I feel like I’m being used. I certainly don’t want to introduce any of them to my family. I just don’t want to be alone anymore and I don’t know what to do.
I really appreciate your help and read your blog every week. Thank you!”
Feeling tired of being lonely and alone can be exacerbated by the holidays. As you’ve shared, there is a lot of pressure to find someone to spend all the holiday events with, culminating with the ultimate pressure-filled event – New Year’s Eve. It’s enough to drive you into the arms of the nearest available man. This is a strategy that results in high expectations and crushing disappointment.
We want to offer you a different path this holiday season, one that could very well make sure you never spend another holiday tired of being lonely and alone. To accomplish this, you need to change the direction of your focus – away from your anger about your ex-husband, away from finding the right man (right now), and towards becoming the right woman – always.
The path to accomplishing this feat requires that you stop looking for someone to complete you and start becoming the best woman you can be. This requires you to take some loving actions with yourself.
The first step is to release yourself from finding “him” now. Relax, enjoy the holidays with friends and family, and ignore all those questions about why you are still single. The winter is the perfect time to reflect and introspect. When you’re tired of feeling lonely and alone turn your focus inward. Take time to develop a positive self-love practice.
Here are 5 Steps To Change Your Focus When You Are Tired Of Being Lonely And Alone
Release The Hurts And Heartbreaks From The Past
Begin a practice of forgiveness. Ultimately forgiving others allows you to come back into integrity with yourself. When you’re tired of being lonely and alone you can instead focus on stepping into forgiveness for yourself, your ex, and any other people who have betrayed, abandoned, and disappointed you.
Forgiving your ex doesn’t mean that his behavior was ok, but it does release you from the hurt and anger of the past. There is a well-known quote from the Buddha that says: “Holding onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Stop poisoning yourself over his bad behavior.
Discover The Golden Nugget Of Learning™ so that you can release the hurt from your ex and break the energetic connection you still have with him. When you’re able to take the emotional charge off the painful events of the past you are open to create anew and be open to the experiences you desire like long-lasting love.
Begin a practice of Ho’oponopono. This Hawaiian forgiveness practice will guide you to release your ex and come back into integrity with yourself.
To practice Ho’oponopono, follow these steps:
- Place your palms on the center of your chest – your heart center.
- Close your eyes and picture the person you wish to focus on. This may be a past partner or it may be a younger version of you.
- Say these 4 phrases aloud:
- I’m sorry.
- Please forgive me.
- Thank you.
- I love you.
- Repeat for 5-10 minutes.
- Practice daily at a minimum.
Treat Yourself How You Wish To Be Treated
If you’re tired of being lonely and alone you can’t wait to just magically feel better. The truth is you’ll feel better when you take new actions and do things differently. Shift your focus and do things you’ve been putting off. Book that trip to a special place. Buy yourself gifts to put under the tree (or to open for each night of Hanukkah). Be kind, generous, and loving with yourself.
There is no wiggle room here. If what you desire is respectful love, then you must be giving that love to yourself. Embrace all the parts of you – the good, the bad, and even the ugly. You must be willing to give yourself the same love and acceptance that you are looking for in your mate.
You could write vows and perform a ceremony where you promise yourself the things that matter most to you.
Start taking yourself out on inner child dates to re-connect with the little girl inside of you. These dates will allow you to refuel, and feel connected to yourself and your intuition.
Taking time for yourself in this way means you are making yourself a priority. That is the way to meet a man who also will make you a priority and many other benefits too!
Be Committed To Your Own Growth
If you’re tired of being lonely and alone you have to be careful not to isolate from others. Create peace of mind in your spiritual growth. Whatever your spiritual path may be, commit to it fully. Imagine that everything is moving you toward your highest and best self.
You will always be a work in progress and there is no end to your personal growth. It is on the path to your highest and best self that you connect with your beloved. Plus, you will never depreciate in value. Water seeks its own level in relationship. As you learn to love and accept yourself you will be in the position to meet someone who reflects that back to you and accepts you and loves you as is.
Create a list of actions you can take that will stretch you towards the person you wish to be. Pick actions that trigger some emotional fear (but no physical danger) and make a commitment to take at least one action a month that stretches you out of your comfort zone.
Make A List Of Qualities That You Desire In A Partner
When you’re tired of being lonely and alone it can be difficult to imagine what your life would be like in an ideal partnership. Indulge your creativity and imagination in the kind of relationship you want. Be very specific. Focus on values, personality traits, and internal qualities, not on physical traits or external qualities.
Don’t put the focus on what you don’t want – like avoiding someone who is resentful of your success. Instead, focus on those qualities that bring you inspiration.
If it is important that your soulmate be successful, then focus on the qualities that made him that way, not the amount of annual salary. Then go through the list and ask yourself: “Do I hold/have this quality? If not, how can you cultivate it?
Then do the work to develop the qualities you are looking to attract. It’s either that or remove them from your desired list of what you desire in a mate.
When you are a values match with your partner then you have the ability to overcome any challenges that life throws your way.
Do Not Settle!
It is possible for you to have everything you want in a relationship. Keep your eye on the prize! When you waste time with someone who is not what you truly desire, then you are telling the universe that you’re willing to settle for less. Stop wasting time with good enough, and go for what is in your heart’s desire!
There can be a lot of pressure on you during the holidays; you can at least give yourself a break by taking some of this advice and start new habits that inspire you to take good care of yourself.
Expecting that someone would magically show up in your life and treat you differently than how you treat yourself is a bit silly. Your outer world is simply a reflection of your inner world.
If you’re really tired of being lonely and alone and you want to make this the last holiday season you’re dodging your families questions, let’s get to the root of what is in your way: Book a private session with both of us where you’ll get the male and female perspective on what’s holding you back from the love you desire.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,