This week’s question comes from Nikki:
Dear Orna and Matthew,
I am really struggling, and I hope you can help me. I seem to be stuck in a pattern of attracting men who seem like a good fit to start, but the relationships only last about 3-6 months. By that point, I always thought I’m supposed to relax in the relationship… when I do, the men leave me.
They all tell me some version of being drawn to my self-esteem and my confidence, and that they now find that I’m “too emotional.” It seems that when I express my true self and let my guard down, they don’t like who I really am. That I am somehow too much for them to handle.
I don’t feel that I am any more emotional than any of my female friends, or colleagues. Certainly, I may have my moments of PMS, or hormonal fluctuations, but overall I think that I’m simply “being myself.”
So my question is this: Am I supposed to hide my true feelings and only show men what they want to see?
I know you talk about not twisting into a pretzel to get love – and I’m perplexed how to not do that because it seems that when I’m just me, I can’t get a man to stick it out with me.
Other dating coaches have told me, as I’ve heard you say, that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships. They have told me to take this as constructive criticism and that I need a new way to “handle” my emotions.
Is there hope for me?
Thank you for your question and for being so vulnerable with our Love On Purpose community. We selected your question to answer specifically because as a single woman, Orna experienced very much the exact same situation.
We really understand how you are confused and starting to wonder if there is something wrong with you. We want to assure you that you are truly perfectly imperfect and that your soulmate will love and accept all the parts of you – even your ability to express your emotions authentically.
So how do you “find” him?
Part of the answer is your ability to screen your potential partners from a new perspective. Right now, you are describing “Love By Accident.” You go on dates with men, and you “fall” into a relationship with someone that we imagine you have an attraction to, and who you also have common interests with.
We call this a Love Imprint Match. Your Love Imprint® is what we call the system running in your subconscious mind that identifies what love is to you. It determines who you have the spark of attraction with. It does that by pointing out to you what is familiar.
As human beings we are wired to survive. Simply because you are alive today, your subconscious will highlight situations that are familiar. The only reason for this is simply because it is what you know, that you have survived the past. Those events did not kill you.
The part that creates frustration for you is that your subconscious does not have the ability to judge. It doesn’t know if you are alive and blissfully happy, or alive and lonely and miserable. So it looks for a match for what is familiar disregarding any result except your state of mortality.
Have you examined what you were told about your emotions as a little girl in your family of origin?
Many of our clients recount stories of being told things like:
- You don’t feel that!
- Stop crying! There is nothing to cry about.
- There is no reason for you to be upset.
- Mommy just doesn’t know what to do with you.
To a small child, these constant messages around expressing emotion wreaks havoc in their intimate relationships because they are now adults who are out of rapport with themselves. It’s like their emotional compass is flawed and they don’t know how to trust themselves, or how they feel.
This may be your situation, or you could have different flavors of this very common problem. We find that with smart women, there are thousands of variations on this issue – and it actually mutates in different forms in other areas of their life.
We are truly shocked that any “coach” would actually tell you that feedback through a breakup is somehow constructive criticism. That is someone whose skillset is simply not a match for why and how you are stuck and unable to create long-lasting love.
Most breakups occur at a teenage emotional level. It doesn’t matter how old the people are – just as we are programmed from a young age to believe the myth of accidental love – we are somehow all taught the strategy of making the other person bad, or wrong, or somehow flawed as the “reason” for the breakup.
The communication from these men that you are “too emotional” is simply feedback that you are stuck in a pattern of selecting men who are match to Your Love Imprint®.
The only way to change that is to transform Your Love Imprint so that what you desire and what you are attracting come into alignment.
We’ll be honest, doing this work is not for everyone. It will require that you commit to taking full responsibility for where you are, and be willing to step into the unknown.
If you think you might be up for this challenge, sign up for a Your Love Imprint® session with us. That is the first step, because during the session we will put this system in your subconscious into language so that you can fully understand the block and why you’ve been so stuck.
Providing peace of mind that you are not broken or damaged in some way is a huge benefit of a Your Love Imprint® session. We’ll also share with you next steps, so you can choose which path to take to transform Your Love Imprint permanently so you can create soul-satisfying, long-lasting love.
Oh, and we just wanted to let you know, that the language those men used to break-up with Orna was, “You’re too intense.”
Orna asked Matthew early on in their relationship, “Do you think I’m intense?”
“Hmmmm, I don’t know if I’d use that word… I think you are full of passion. I really love that about you!” – Matthew replied.
You can “find” your soulmate – you just have to know HOW to look for him, not where.
Love and Abundance,