This week’s question comes from Julie:
Dear Orna and Matthew,
I have been getting your emails for several weeks now, and find them very inspirational.
After being hurt, badly, by my ex husband, many years ago, and then again, after a 3 year relationship, which ended a year ago, I have opened up my heart, and taken a leap of faith, in hopes, of finding my real soulmate.
2 months ago, I was browsing through an online dating site, and a picture stopped me in my tracks, the profile, was the most articulated had ever read, and it struck a chord of recognition in my heart. I then tried to contact this man, only to find his profile was taken off, I contacted the Support team, and they told me they would get back to me. A day later, they did, they said, they unblocked this person. And to go for it. I did.
I wrote a heartfelt email, and waited, 2 days later, he contacted me, and we have been in contact daily, by phone, skype, and emails.
He lives 3 hours away by train, and I have visited him 2x for the weekend. It all sounds too good to be true, and I am so afraid, of being hurt again. He is, a Yorkshireman, they are known to be reticent, and don’t say much. I want this to work so much, but also, at the same time, I am afraid to say much, in case I am reading it all wrong.
Please help me with some insight.
Thank you for reaching out to us! We hope we are answering this in time to help you change your course.
This man may be perfect for you and he may feel the same about you that you do about him. However, if you continue on the path you are on, you may end up investing a lot of time, energy, and hope on a relationship that is going nowhere.
Let us explain what we mean. Right now you are in the role of the pursuer. You are the one who reached out to him. You are the one who travelled to see him. We can guess that you have done most of the planning and reaching out to him. Right now this relationship is easy and convenient for him because he doesn’t have to do any of the work, nor does he have to reveal to you his intentions.
Many women are in this type of situation when they first reach out to us for coaching, and they wonder what they are doing ‘wrong.’
You are wondering how he feels about you and where the relationship is going. You are even afraid to bring it up for fear that you may have read it wrong.
Right now you are in the masculine role in the relationship. Had you been in your in your feminine from the beginning, you would have either moved on because there was no man in pursuit, or he would have deselected himself from the get go by not reaching out to you.
Here is what NOT to do:
Don’t ask him how he feels and where he sees this relationship going. Don’t continue being the initiator and driving the relationship. Don’t continue to put all of your hope in this one man.
Here is what we’d like you to do:
Sit back and wait. Wait for him to reach out to you next. Wait for him to make plans on when you will see each other again. Make a request that he come to you instead of you traveling to him. In fact, start making requests of how you would like him to show up.
When you stop doing all the work and all the pursuing he will begin to reveal how he feels about you and let you know where the relationship is going. He will reveal all of this through his actions.
If he is interested in pursuing a real relationship with you (not a convenient one), he will reach out to you when he doesn’t hear from you. When you start making requests, he will step up and do his best to fulfill them. He will start to pursue you and he will move the relationship forward.
If he is not interested he will pull back. He won’t reach out to you. He might be put off by your requests or even get defensive. He will contact you when it is convenient for him, but won’t make more effort than that.
If you don’t make any changes in your behavior (for fear that you may lose him) then you will always feel insecure and wonder what is going on with him. Men may not always be verbally expressive. They may not be great at telling you how they feel. But they will always reveal what is important to them by their actions.
Also, if you have not discussed being in a monogamous committed relationship with him, then you need to start dating other men. You have put all of your hopes and desires in this one man before you even know for sure how he feels. Take some of the pressure off by getting back into online dating and seeing men in your area – even if they are not a perfect match for you. You will learn so much about yourself and what you truly want by doing this.
We hope this helps. Please keep us posted on how things go.
If you would like more help in this area we have a whole section on masculine and feminine energy and the dance of relationship in The Science of Creating Love Home Study Course.
Love and Abundance,