This week's question comes from Mindy:
Dear Orna and Matthew,
I really love the advice that you give and I think I’m stuck and I need your help. You always say that it’s important to select someone for a relationship that you share the same values with and I thought I did that, but it seems I didn’t.
I wrote out a list of the kind of guy I was looking for and within 2 weeks he showed up – even the kind of car that I had written down! It was like magic. Unfortunately, he seemed interested in me for a while, but his interest waned and now I find that I’m feeling anxious, and texting him all the time. Sometimes he’ll take a week to even get back to me.
So how do I find someone who values the same things I do?
Thank you for your question. The thing is this: You cannot ASK someone what they value. Well, you can ask however, that won’t give you anything to work with because no one is going to tell you they don’t value truth or honesty.
The dating process is just that: A PROCESS!
It takes time to discover who someone is, and a bit more to know what they value.
People value what they spend their resources on: time, money, energy, etc.
If a guy spends half the day every Saturday detailing his own car – he really values his car. If he tells you he values family, but he rarely calls his siblings or parents, and doesn’t make the time to see them, he didn’t tell you the truth. Instead he told you what he thought you wanted to hear.
The only way to discover what another person values is to spend time with them and observe. Where does he spend his resources? The answer will show you what he truly values.
The difference between a values list and a qualities list (which is what you described) is that a values list is about inner traits and a qualities list is often times focused on external traits.
What kind of car someone drives is not an indication of what kind of person they are. You could assume that someone who drives a hybrid or electric vehicle is concerned with the environment, but that doesn’t say anything about whether or not he is kind or is emotionally available.
The truth is he could drive that kind of car because he wants to save money on gas, and doesn’t care at all about the environment!
When you are focused on outer qualities and believe that they are indicators of inner traits then you can easily deceive yourself about who this person really is.
One of our clients was dating a man who was struggling financially at the time they started dating. She was clear that she did not want to support a man she was in a romantic relationship with.
As we explored more deeply with her, she revealed that he had recently gone through an ugly and expensive divorce and was also in the process of changing careers. His current circumstances had led him to his current financial state.
What she knew about his past was that he had been successful, both professionally and financially before the divorce. Ultimately we discovered that his financial troubles were not the result of a character flaw. He knew how to make money he was just in a bad spot due to temporary circumstances.
They have now been together for over 2 years and are very happy together. He’s been rebuilding his career; the two of them are a values match, which shows in the life they have created together.
When you focus on the outer qualities you can miss out on some great men who are not only interested in a relationship with you, but also have the emotional skills for a relationship to last.
Featured in the film Moulin Rouge co-written and directed by Baz Luhrmann is the song Nature Boy (made famous by Nate King Cole). We love this line in the song:
“The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return.”
If you value having love you will invest resources into learning how to create it.
Choose today – and circle the date on the calendar – that you will be with your Beloved by next year’s Valentine’s Day.
If you don’t make a plan or do anything differently, it’s likely that you’ll find yourself in the same current situation 1 year from now.
Things only change if we make the commitment to change them. This is true in every area of your life.
The first step in this journey to love is to discover your “You Are Here Spot” on the map. We all know the end goal – spending your life with your soulmate. But if you don’t know where you are starting on this journey, then you’ll never get there.
Our program, Your Soulmate Blueprint®, guides you to discover what you truly value in intimate relationship and gives you the map to find a man who is a values match.
- Identify the patterns that your subconscious creates over and over again.
- Break free of the past hurts and disappointments.
- Be confident, and show up authentically to receive the love you most desire.
- Have clarity about what you truly want and discover how to create it!
This powerful life-changing program can be downloaded onto your MP3 Player, your computer or your other devices. It's completely digital so you can receive it and get started immediately.
You can read more here.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,