This week's question comes from Michele:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
My name is Michele and I hope you can help. I long for a deep soul connection with a man. I have been divorced for 6 years. In a nutshell, my marriage ended because my husband was unfaithful. I raised my 2 children on my own. I must admit I did a fine job. They are 2 amazing young adults!
Once I was divorced, I put myself out there. I met many great guys and quite a few who were truly ready to commit. Some even looking for marriage. In the end, I usually ended the relationships. Nothing I could say went wrong, they just were not ‘The One.’ Friends shake their heads. Wondering how I can pass up such great guys, ready to commit and be faithful. I would wonder too. The only thing I come up with is something was missing.
I feel I will know when I know. I continue to date, I continue to meet nice guys, and 7 out of 10 times I remain friends with these guys I could never see a future with.
My question is what could I do differently? I am truly ready to be in a life long relationship! I am truly ready to meet ‘My Guy!’ I do some online dating. I go out with friends. I am an outgoing person and make friends easily. There just always seems to be something missing for me. That deep soul connection I crave. That feeling of coming ‘Home!’
Any suggestions for me?”
We hear you! When it comes to lasting love it doesn’t make sense to settle for a man that you don’t feel a soul connection with. You cannot settle for a lifetime, eventually, there won’t be enough gas in the tank to make it through the challenging times.
Being with a good decent man who would be faithful is just the beginnings of a foundation, and not enough to base a life together on. There are plenty of good men – that doesn’t make all of them your beloved.
Being Clear On What Do Not Want Doesn’t Allow You To Create
In order to create and manifest what you want you’ll need a crystal clear vision of what you desire.
When someone says, “I just can’t see myself doing that” (whatever it is) they are speaking a literal truth. They can’t create an image in their mind’s eye of doing that thing.
It’s natural when your heart has been broken to want to never feel that kind of pain again. A divorce is one of the most stressful and painful events a person can go through, especially when there are children involved.
Avoiding pain is not how one manifests their desires. No one chooses a career by seeking a job where they never have to ask for a raise.
You create by getting clear on what makes you feel inspired and excited in life. In order to manifest the kind of soul connection you desire you’ll need to get connected to yourself in a much deeper way.
Stop Dating Backwards
Most people date backwards because they are looking for a feeling to tell them that they’ve met the right person. Unfortunately, feelings are constantly changing, so using your feelings as a guide is not ideal in selecting a life partner.
Don’t give a stranger the benefit of the doubt!
Instead, take your time and don’t make any assumptions. Focus on yourself in order to discover your hidden blocks to love. Dating the same way you have been your whole life will not uncover the answers you are looking for.
Through the dating process, notice your inner dialog and how you feel with each guy. Is it different with a man you are attracted to vs. a man you don’t feel that spark with? Are you able to be authentic with each one? Pay attention on the walk to the car after the date; how do you feel and what is your inner dialog after you’ve parted from him?
This is our Date to Discover™ process. It allows you to cultivate discernment through the dating process so that you can easily deselect a guy who is not a match, and proceed to find out more about the men you like and are curious about.
At the end of each date, check-in with how you’re feeling as well as your inner dialog. This is where you discover if there are any hidden beliefs or strategies that will continue to keep you from the soul connection you desire.
Speaking how you feel through the dating process allows you to practice being authentic when not much is at stake. You can think of it like working out at the emotional authenticity gym where you practice and practice so that it becomes a habit.
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This way you don’t sacrifice your needs or lose yourself in the relationship (which only creates anger and resentment).
Don’t Iron Out The Conflict
Most people are conflict avoidant, but avoiding conflict gets in the way of creating connection.
When you are authentic and speak how you feel, you are sending an invitation to the other person to meet you at that high level of authenticity. How a man responds to conflict gives you valuable information about whether or not the two of you will be able to navigate the inevitable challenges that will arise.
We are not suggesting that you look for conflict either. Instead, do not give a pass to behaviors or issues because of the rush of good feelings.
Avoiding conflict does not serve you to find a soul connection. Instead, address challenges and issues as they arrive by being authentic and speaking how you feel. You will discover that with a man who is a match for you a conflict will be a doorway to a deeper connection.
Unearth Your Patterns
Another great place of inquiry is to look into the patterns you have with the men you have chosen to date exclusively. You already stated that you are the one who ends the relationship. Can you discover the pattern that leads to you initiating the breakup?
Ultimately, you are the common denominator in all of your relationships. So if there is a reason that it is not working out – it is inside of you. Finding more men will not change this pattern.
There are three stages that we work through in all of our programs:
- Identifying and removing blocks to love.
- Stepping into your authentic self and dating from a place of authenticity.
- Creating the relationship you most desire.
If you skip any of the steps, you will not get the result you desire. A soul connection with another person occurs when you can enjoy the good times together, and can also navigate through the storms together (and create a stronger bond from them).
Don’t Settle For Less Than The Soul Connection You Want
You would be doing yourself a disservice to settle for a man who doesn’t fully float your boat. You deserve to be with someone who gives you that feeling of being home. He deserves to be with someone who is as crazy about him as he is about you.
We’ve labeled the man that one settles for “the should guy.”
- “I should marry him, he’s crazy about me.”
- “I should marry him, he’d be a great father.”
- “I should marry him, he’s a good, faithful man.”
- “I should marry him, my friends and family adore him.”
- “I should marry him, he’s the best I’ve found so far.”
Way too man women we speak with are divorced from “the should guy.” Settling when it comes to a life partner is a recipe for disaster.
You cannot sacrifice what you truly desire and expect to be happy for a lifetime.
Examining the feeling you desire could also give you some valuable insight.
When you imagine the soul connection you desire how do you feel? Are you grounded and in the present moment? Are you off balance and spinning in your heart space or your stomach? Do you have perpetual butterflies?
Being clear on the sensation you are looking for and where it is in your body will give you more information about it. The other important question is this: Have you ever felt this feeling before?
Selecting An Ideal Mate
There are 5 stages of relationship and most people only experience the first two.
The 5 Stages are:
- Power Struggle
No couple skips the Power Struggle Stage!
The right man for you is not a perfect person, he will be perfect for you because the two of you will have shared values and you’ll both be willing to work through the challenges that arise together.
If you have felt the soul connection you desire in the past, did it disappear in the Power Struggle Stage?
Too many couples make a lifelong commitment to each other in the Romance Stage and get engaged only to find themselves in The Power Struggle Stage by the time the wedding takes place.
The Power Struggle Stage is the hangover from the Romance Stage. Don’t be fooled into thinking that the chemical high of the Romance Stage is supposed to last forever. It is only the promise of what can be if both people continue to choose each other.
When you find that right person that you choose, who also chooses you, it will feel magical. But it is not magic – it’s a choice – one that you both make over and over again to recommit to connecting with one another again and again.
The Romance Stage feels shallow compared to what you can experience in the Bliss Stage of relationship.
Self-examination has its limitations because you are in the fishbowl. We are experts in quickly assessing where you are in relation to where you’d like to be on your journey to long-lasting love. Every person is unique because only you have had your experiences.
If you’d like to dig in and uncover what is blocking you from experiencing the soul connection you desire schedule a Soulmate Strategy Call with us. This complimentary call allows you to speak with us privately so don’t delay and schedule today by clicking here.
Love and Abundance,