This week's question comes from Olivia:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I don’t think I fit into your usual advice seekers. I’m an independent woman who has travelled and worked around the world. I’ve never had a problem meeting men and have had many wonderful lovers. The problem is they fall in love with me and I don’t initially start out thinking I will break their hearts, but inevitably I do.
I do want to find my soulmate, but it seems impossible to find a man who has the freedom to travel the world with me and who I want to marry.
Can I keep my freedom and find my “One?” I don’t know. It doesn’t seem possible to me. I’ve met some wonderful men who were perfect at first but they wanted me to fit into the vision of who they wanted me to be. That just isn’t going to happen!
I doubt you can help, but I wanted to write anyway because I’m afraid I’m getting too old and too stubborn to ever find a love that lasts.”
Thanks for reaching out to us and sharing your fears. You’d be surprised how many women we’ve spoken to who have shared a version of your dilemma. The conflict between maintaining your freedom and committing to a soulmate is more common than you’d think.
We don’t say that to minimize your situation as much as to say that you are not alone … and that there is a solution!
It seems impossible to imagine that you can have a relationship with the man of your dreams and maintain your independence. These two ideas are directly opposing each other.
We understand that compromising who you are and how you want to live your life feels like giving up. Your spirit is too strong to give up that easily.
But it can be lonely, especially when you find yourself in new situations and countries and there aren’t any familiar faces. Wouldn’t it be great to share that adventure with someone?
It may feel like love is not in the cards for you, but the truth is the solution to your situation is not as complicated as it may seem.
You’re describing a specific type of inner conflict that we call a double bind. When you are caught in a double bind it can feel like you are stuck and that what you want can’t possibly exist.
The longer you are stuck in a double bind the more intractable it can feel. You may think that it’s not really that important to find your soulmate. It’s possible that your motivation to change the issue becomes dampened, and you just start to believe that you’re the exception – that you’re the one who doesn’t get to have the love you want.
But there is always this nagging dissatisfaction that gnaws at you. The feelings of loneliness late in the night, the worry that you’ll grow old alone, and the fear that maybe you are incapable of maintaining a long-term relationship all continue to grow inside and so you worry, feeling stuck, not knowing what action to take.
A double bind is an inner conflict, it is like you are arm-wrestling with yourself and you are equally strong on both sides. Neither side ever wins nor loses and you simply stay stuck where you are – the struggle is real!
Being stuck in a double bind can feel insurmountable but the solution can be resolved rather quickly.
Unfortunately, it is not something that you will discover with your big beautiful brain. We could give you the answer here but the truth is it would seem trivial and wouldn’t give you the transformation you desire.
That’s because information didn’t create the double bind and no amount of new information will release you from this stuck place.
Overcoming a double bind is an experiential process. It must be felt and experienced in your body in order to be effective. Your big brain would just get in the way. Ultimately that big prefrontal cortex is the wrong tool and cannot release you from the clutches of being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
We would love to share with you the process of transforming a double bind however it wouldn’t make any sense as an explanation to you. Additionally, we’d be out of integrity if we didn’t also look deeper into the whole system that is keeping you from the love you want, as being in a double bind is only one piece of the puzzle.
We call this system Your Love Imprint®. It is the system running in your subconscious mind that determines how love operates for you. Your Love Imprint is formulated in early childhood in your family of origin and it is the subconscious program that is driving your choices in love and relationship.
Your Love Imprint® includes your limiting beliefs, your mental emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love. It is the setting on your GPS for love.
Everyone has a Love Imprint, but not everyone is stuck in a double bind. The journey to having what you desire can feel even more daunting when you have both – a Love Imprint AND a Double Bind.
Having a Your Love Imprint® Session reveals the entire system that is blocking you from the love you want. We can diagnose your GPS for love as well as any double binds that are blocking you from moving forward. You will also receive a plan for overcoming these blocks so that you can create lasting-love with a man who loves you because of your independence!
Apply for a Your Love Imprint® Session here.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,