This week’s question comes from Gail:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
What if he ghosted you and 7 weeks later a one-sentence text and photo comes out of the blue? Respond? Don’t respond? Do I wait to respond?
I’m confused as to what this means. Is he interested in me again? Should I text a guy who ghosted me? I’m really tired of games and this seems to be a common behavior with men and new relationships.
My friends say he ghosted you so just ignore him. But I want a relationship and he could be interested. I just don’t know.
Clearly, I need some help with dating. I’m tired of feeling like I didn’t get the memo.
We agree that situations like being ghosted can be incredibly frustrating and confusing. You meet a guy, and he seems interested. He takes you out on a few dates and then poof – he disappears! You move on, and then he reaches out to you again, and you end up befuddled and feeling like you’re on a yo-yo string.
He ghosted you. Should you just ignore him? Or is he interested again? What does it all mean?
The reasons he ghosted you may not be all that important if you’re looking for a committed relationship.
Let’s help you simplify things. First of all, it’s important that you’re clear on what you want, and also for you to know where you are in the dating process.
What Do You Want From Dating?
Should you text a guy who ghosted you? It depends on what you hope to achieve by sending a text.
If you are just casually dating, looking to meet new people, or would just like some companionship now and again, then go ahead and text him back. You may or may not hear back from him, and you may or may not actually see him again.
You have nothing invested so you have nothing to lose. He might text you back, or he might not. The two of you may go on a date, or just hook up. Easy-peasy, and you have nothing to worry about if he ghosts you again because you have zero expectations.
However, if you are looking for long-lasting, soul-satisfying love, then don’t waste another moment of your precious time. Move along and focus your time and efforts on dating men who are actually interested in the same thing you are – an actual relationship.
How Do You Know If He’s Interested In A Relationship With You?
The easiest answer to this question is that he acts like it. He asks you out. He regularly reaches out to you and makes the effort to talk with you and to see you again. He checks in regularly with texts. He takes the lead and drives the relationship forward.
If a man is not doing these things, then he is not truly interested in a relationship. Or perhaps he is not emotionally ready for a relationship. Or he is not actually available (meaning he is in another relationship and looking to fool around). Or he is looking for some companionship and sex and enjoys the company of a woman who will go along with whatever he wants. Or…. ____(fill in the blank)____. (Too many scenarios to mention them all here.)
There are a lot of reasons he ghosted you and why he may not want a relationship right now – 99.9% of them have absolutely nothing to do with you.
If you know you want a committed relationship, then whatever his situation is doesn’t really matter because the two of you don’t have the same goal. A man who is interested in a relationship with you will not be subtle about his desire to spend time with you. Instead, he will be working overtime to take you off the market so he can claim you for himself. (This is true regardless of age, culture, race, religion, etc.)
He Ghosted You. What Else Do You Need To Know?
If he ghosts you and disappears into the Guy Bermuda Triangle that means he’s not looking for a relationship with you. His reappearing and showing up out of the blue are also not at all about you. His behavior informs you of who he is and what he is capable of.
Did he send a text expressing his regret for not getting back to you sooner and explaining how the circumstances in his life prevented him from reaching out to you sooner? Did he share that he thinks you are great, and he hopes he hasn’t screwed things up? Is he regretful and asking how he can make it up to you?
No, he hasn’t done any of these things. He sent you a picture and a quick text to see if you were still on the line waiting for him. Just like a fisherman with a worm on a hook, now and again checking the line to see if anything is happening there.
Men (and women) who ghost are not emotionally mature people. They are not mature enough to have the very important uncomfortable conversations that lead to a deeper connection with another person.
He is a “convenient guy.” Meaning he is looking for something easy and convenient. He may very well find you attractive and enjoy your company, but ultimately, he is not going to be the partner you desire for a long-term relationship. Nothing you do will change that. You cannot make him ready for love.
Don’t Waste Your Time With Convenient Relationships
We have a client who dated a convenient guy for a few months. He never stepped up. He didn’t ghost, but he wasn’t emotionally available. Their connection was nice, but it wasn’t soul-level love. She ended it by letting him know they are not a match.
A couple of months later she informed us he had reappeared, and she wanted to know if she should put him back into her dating rotation. We asked her what had changed, and her answer was, “Nothing.” Nothing had changed.
He texted her about returning a pair of $20 sunglasses he found that belonged to her, and then suddenly she wanted to accommodate him by dating him again. We were perplexed. She’s a smart, beautiful, capable woman and she was once again being too accommodating for the guy who isn’t an ideal match for her.
The man you take back is one who apologizes, explains, and goes above and beyond to prove to you that things will be different. Not the guy who ghosted you and feels he has the right to come and go as he pleases. The right guy will want to make sure you’re not seeing anyone else because he wants to be the man you give your heart to.
An ideal match will want more than just to see you intermittently. He’s curious to know what makes you tick. Your soulmate wants to show you that he is worthy of your heart. He wants to be your hero.
If He Ghosted You And You’re Tired Of Games – Learn To Date Differently
Your current strategy for love appears to follow the logic of Love By Accident. As if someday the mythical magical unicorn of a person will just walk into your life, get you, claim you, understand you, and love you forevermore.
This is on par with a childhood fantasy. Nothing in life worth having occurs by accident. Not the ideal job or career, not your health and wellbeing, and certainly not your love life.
Take an intentional approach to creating the long-lasting, soul-satisfying love you desire. Start using dating as a tool to learn about yourself and your current strategies for love.
Your dating strategies were cobbled together from your dating experiences. When you utilize dating as a tool to discover about yourself, you are empowered to make changes so that you move toward your goal.
Rather than rushing into exclusivity, you can learn a lot more about yourself and a potential partner by dating more than one person at a time and delaying becoming a couple. Putting off physical intimacy allows you to discover your ability to show up authentically (whether you feel a strong attraction to a particular guy or not).
Do you behave differently when you are hot for him? Are you aiming to please him at the expense of your authenticity? Or is your behavior the same no matter your level of attraction to him?
The answers to these questions will give you priceless insights into your dating strategies. You will come to be in a place where you won’t care that he ghosted you because you didn’t put all of your hope into one guy after just a couple of dates.
In order to date for your soulmate, you must say, “No” to any man who doesn’t fit your vision of a long-term relationship. Don’t waste your time hoping that the man who is in front of you will change to become the man you want him to be. Instead, free yourself up to find that man. The one who is crazy about you and shows you with his actions and words that he is interested in the same relationship goals as you are. A simple way to say this is to date the way you want to mate.
Approach dating as a process of discovering about yourself and discovering if the man you are dating is capable of giving you what you need. When you date the way you want to mate, you don’t ignore the signs that he is not your guy. Love is a risk, but you can mitigate that risk by evaluating guys through the dating process.
Your Vision Keeps You From Wasting Time With The Wrong Man
Knowing how your ideal relationship functions is the key part of the vision you must create BEFORE there’s ever a guy in mind. Ask yourself how your ideal relationship makes you feel, how you show up, and what your expectations are.
Longevity in a romantic relationship isn’t as simple as having chemistry and sharing similar interests. Love stands the test of time when you have shared values. When you both value the same things in life you can navigate the challenges that arise and get back on the same page.
Should you text a guy who ghosted you? If he disappeared without an explanation and reached out again without one, do you think the two of you want the same things from life? Do you value the same things?
Ghosting has been around for a long time the label to call it such is a current trend. It’s disappointing that it happened to you, but it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you or that you can’t learn better strategies for dating. Don’t give your energy to men who don’t value you. Instead, put your focus on your vision for love and then evaluate the guys you date to discover if they are a match to your desires.
Healthy, loving relationships don’t just happen because you got lucky and met a good guy. There are plenty of good men who won’t be an ideal match for you over time. The man who is your soulmate will value and respect you, so he won’t disappear without an explanation.
If you’re frustrated because he ghosted you and you’re ready to approach things differently and avoid unavailable men, then get our free report, “7 Steps To Soulmating.” You’ll receive our top dating strategies that have helped thousands to change their love strategies and finally create their soulmate relationship.
Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER. They uncover subconscious blocks to love so that you can select an ideal partner to share your life with. Follow them on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.