This week’s question comes from Gail:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
What if he ghosts you and 7 weeks later a one-sentence text and photo comes out of the blue. Respond? No response? How long to wait to respond?
I’m confused as to what this means. Is he interested in me again? I’m really tired of games and this seems to be a common behavior with men and new relationships.
Clearly, I need some help with dating. I’m tired of feeling like I didn’t get the memo.
Yes, situations like this can be frustrating. You meet a guy. He seems interested. You go on a few dates and then he ghosts you. You move on and then he reaches out to you again and you end up confused and feeling like you’re on a yo-yo string.
Let’s show you how to simplify things. That begins with you getting clear on what you want and where you are in the dating process.
What do you want?
If you are just casually dating, looking to meet new people, or just like some company now and again, then go ahead and text him back (there is no prescribed wait time).
You may or may not hear back from him, and you may or may not actually see him again. But if you have nothing invested then you have nothing to lose. He might text you back, or he might not. The two of you may go on a date, or just hook up. Easy-peasy, and you have nothing to worry about if he ghosts you again because you haven’t invested anything.
However, if you are looking for long-lasting, soul-satisfying love, then don’t waste another moment of your precious time. Move along and focus your time and efforts on dating men who are actually interested in the same thing you are – an actual relationship.
Essentially your unstated question is: How do you know if a man is interested in a relationship with you?
Our Answer: He acts like it. He asks you out. He reaches out to you and makes the effort to talk or to see you again. He checks in regularly with texts. He takes the lead and drives the relationship forward.
If a man is not doing these things, then he is not really interested in a relationship. Or perhaps he is not emotionally ready for a relationship. Or he is not actually available (meaning he is in another relationship and looking to fool around). Or he is looking for some companionship, sex, and enjoys the company of a woman who will go along with whatever he wants. Or…. ____(fill in the blank)____. There are a lot of reasons a man may not want a relationship right now – 99.9% of them have absolutely nothing to do with you.
If you know you want a relationship, then whatever his situation is doesn’t really matter because the two of you do not want the same thing. A man who is interested in a relationship with you will not be subtle about his desire to spend time with you. He will be working overtime to take you off the market so he can claim you for himself.
If he ghosts you and disappears to the Guy Bermuda Triangle that means he’s not into you. His reappearing and showing up out of the blue is also not about you. His behavior informs you about who he is and what he is capable of.
Men (and women) who ghost are not emotionally mature people. They are not mature enough to have the very important uncomfortable conversations that lead to a deeper connection with another person.
We call a man like this “Convenient Guy.” He may very well find you attractive and enjoy your company, and ultimately he is not going to be the partner you desire for a long-term relationship.
Never give Convenient Guy your heart, your hope, or control over your own happiness.
We have a client who dated a convenient guy for a few months. He never stepped up, he didn’t ghost, but he wasn’t emotionally available. Their connection was nice, but it wasn’t soul level love. She ended it by letting him know they are not a match.
A couple of months later she informed us he had reappeared, and she wanted to know if she should put him back into her dating rotation. We asked her what had changed and her answer was, “Nothing.” Nothing had changed.
He text her about returning a pair of her $20 sunglasses and then suddenly she wanted to accommodate him by dating him again. We were perplexed. She’s a smart, beautiful, capable woman and she was once again being too accommodating.
We now refer to him as The Pussy-Comeback-Kid because his comeback was lame! The man you take back is one who apologizes, explains, and goes above and beyond to prove to you that things will be different. Not the guy who ghosted you and feels he has the right to come and go as he pleases. The right guy will want to make sure you’re not seeing anyone else because he wants to be the man you give your heart to.
If you’re tired of the guys who ghost, then get clear on what you are looking for.
Say, “No” to any man who doesn’t fit that vision. Then you have time and energy to focus on becoming the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with.
The real key is to know what your vision of your relationship is – how it functions, how it makes you feel, and how you are able to show up.
What creates longevity in any relationship isn’t as simple as having chemistry and sharing similar interests. What creates longevity is having shared values. That way when challenges arise you know that you’ll be on the same page.
So many relationships end because of a financial challenge, or a health challenge, or a family challenge, and the two of you are not on the same page.
Do you really want to reach out to this ghosting guy to see if he shares the same values with you? Do you think his behavior indicates that he is ready for a relationship and that he wants one with you?
If he had reached out and said something like, “Wow, I’m sorry I disappeared a few months ago. I had something come up and I wasn’t really available for a relationship at that time. I wish I had done a better job of communicating that. I can’t stop thinking about you and I hope I didn’t mess things up with you. Can you forgive me and are you open to seeing me again?”
If he had communicated clearly as above then you would know where he is at and what is going on with him. But he didn’t do that. He sent a picture and a one-sentence text. Basically, he was checking the line to see if you were still on the hook.
A perfect description of someone who is looking for something easy and convenient.
If you find that you’re only meeting Convenient Guy after Convenient Guy after Convenient Guy then it’s time to identify and remove your subconscious blocks to love. Check out our comprehensive 7-module digital program “The Science of Creating Love™ as this is exactly what it is designed for.
The Science of Creating Love guides you through the three stages of transformation:
- Identify and remove your blocks
- Stepping into your authentic self
- Create your ideal relationship
Each module contains guided processes so you can release your patterns (the familiar things that are no longer serving you) and create a whole new road map to love.
Most people don’t have a process for knowing whether someone is a good match for them or not, instead, people make that decision based on a feeling. Unfortunately, we can count on the fact that our feelings will change, and lasting-love is a choice. We want you to be able to choose an ideal partner, and also have the tools to make it last!
You can read more about The Science of Creating Love™ here.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,