This week’s question comes from Bekah:
Hello Orna and Matthew!
I really enjoy your emails and feel that what you say really resonates with me.
I would say over the past few years I have struggled with being in relationships that I have not had strong feelings for the person and then being in relationships where my feelings were more intense, but the person lacked the level of commitment that I am interested in. This is where I am struggling with listening to what feels like my heart or feelings, and stepping back and noticing a pattern and wanting to be involved with a different type of person and relationship.
I am currently dating someone that I overall would describe my feelings in the relationship as contentedness. I feel that the person really cares for me and lets me be completely open and share all of my feelings and I really appreciate and value his responses and our ability to connect on what feels like a deeper level. I think there is a part of me that sometimes questions the relationship because I don’t feel that “excitement” or that sense of knowing that this is the person that I want to be with long term.
Do you have any suggestions how to navigate what feels like going between my head and my heart? Or how to move forward generally?
We’re glad you are enjoying our emails. We hope to provide the best advice we can to help everyone in our community create soul-satisfying love.
You have described a situation that many of our clients have found themselves in – you are stuck in a double bind. On the one hand you’ve dated guys where there was an intensity of feeling and attraction, however they did not give you the level of commitment you desire. On the other hand you’ve dated guys where there was this great feeling of connection and openness, but there wasn’t the intensity or attraction you felt with the other guys.
Sometimes it can feel like only these two types of men exist.
But what if you could have that feeling of connection and openness AND feel the passion and excitement you desire?
We know this is possible for you when you are able to release yourself from your double bind. A double bind is when we have an inner conflict and different parts of ourselves are trying to get different things we want and need. Because it feels like these two parts of us are at odds with each other, it becomes very difficult to break the pattern. It’s like being in a tug-of-war with yourself.
We would guess that the pattern of getting into relationship with men who won’t commit is part of Your Love Imprint™. Look back into your family of origin and see if you can discover the emotional pattern that feels similar to the one you have with these men.
Discovering this pattern will help you begin the process of transforming it. Once you’ve done that it will be easier for you to find the kind of man you desire. You may even find that your feelings for the current man you are with become stronger.
Your subconscious is seeking out a relationship that feels similar to one in your childhood. That is why the feeling is so much more intense with the men who won’t commit. It is your subconscious highlighting that dynamic, saying “This is familiar! This is familiar!”
However, your subconscious does not make the distinction between familiar being something good or bad. It only desires that things stay the same, because that is what has kept you alive all these years (and has insured the survival of the human species).
In order to have a thriving relationship (instead of one based on survival) you will have to break that subconscious pattern and release yourself from the double bind. Unfortunately, that is not something we can help you do in an email.
The processes we use with our clients elicit quick and effective change, however they require concentrated time because all human beings have complex wiring. What we are discussing is very complex as this double bind and Your Love Imprint™ have been at work the majority of your life.
If you are looking to make a major shift with your relationship with yourself so you will never find yourself settling for less than what you truly desire then we recommend our online program, The Science of Creating Love™.
This 7-module online program guides you to discover your past patterns, transform them, and then create a new vision of what love means to you. This new vision is no longer tainted by your bad love strategies from the past. You get to be a beginner in love once again.
You can read more about The Science of Creating Love™ here.
We hope this helps! Please keep us posted on your journey to love.