This week’s question comes from Jennifer:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I thought I would write in and see if you have any advice.
So I have a question about a date the other night and would love to hear your perspective on this. I’m a 38 year old single woman living in NYC.
I used a line the other night that Evan Marc Katz suggested for when you are in a situation with a man and you don’t want to take if further sexually at this time but would eventually like to. “I’d love to ravage you but definitely in the future just not right now.” It didn’t go so well. We were at a lounge in NYC for drinks and appetizers. He had forgotten his keys in his building so we went to get them. We were in his office and then he takes me out onto the balcony. We made out. Then he pulled me into the conference room and sat down in a chair. I’m not a prude, this was a second date, and the alcohol was setting in. I used the line. He kept pulling me in and before you know it I was on my way out the door. I just turned and left. I didn’t want this guy to think I was a slut. I didn’t want to feel like I was a cliche in a movie, on the conference room table, going too far and then never hearing from this guy again. Going too far too soon feels terrible. I know, I’ve been there before. I went home. We had a slight texting war, which I initiated, telling him that all guys want to do me on the first date and I thought he was different, that he would have waited a little longer and built something up first. He said he was completely disappointed, he thought I could be the one. He said I should appreciate a good thing and that he will give his time to someone else who will enjoy it. (He had also said during that date at the lounge that he must really like me because he never gets to second dates with women. Anyway, of course I am so sad about this as I was liking getting to know him. I had told him on text he had blown it. I feel like I blew it. I sent a text the next day to apologize for walking out and the texting battle. Of course I never heard back from him.
Any advice you can offer would be so great. I tried a different approach, I didn’t want to give it up so fast. I’ve been reading a lot of info that all of the experts out there have online or in books, including your info, and I wanted to pace this. Anything you can say to help me would be most appreciated.
People tell us who they are by their behavior. This guy’s behavior tells us that he was not interested in taking the relationship further with you. Otherwise, he would be willing to wait for sex. Men of all ages will say whatever they need to say in order to have sex. Trust his behavior not what he said to you verbally or in a text.
We also know that you can’t say or do the wrong thing with the right man. If he was “The One” (or at least a guy worth getting to know further) he would have respected your wishes. He did not, and therefore isn’t what you are looking for. It doesn’t make him a bad person, just not the right match for you.
You took the time to make a request and now that the request was not honored you are second guessing the request and yourself. We suggest you spend some time creating a better relationship with yourself where you can really trust yourself and be in rapport with yourself. This is essential on the path to creating a lasting love relationship.
When you trust yourself, you don’t second guess your own behavior and you can evaluate your prospects for a relationship with ease and grace. Knowing if someone is a good match or bad match for you is exactly what the dating process is about. The dating process is a selection process and it is just as important to deselect someone as it is to select someone.
One last suggestion for you: The next time you want to have a conversation with someone (anyone – male or female) we suggest that you dial them up and have a phone conversation. Conversations, like the one you had with this date after the fact, are not meant for texting. Texting is good for simple, logistics communication – i.e. Getting directions, letting someone know you’re running late, etc. Text is terrible for any communication involving emotions. Tone of voice and subtle meaning is lost in text and email. Stop having these kind of communications via text message!
It is also important that you take responsibility for your feelings. You stated that you told him, “He blew it.” What would have been more effective would have been to take responsibility for your feelings in the situation and communicate them in a way that does not place any blame. You were clearly upset by his actions and this is a great place for you to learn more about what triggers you.
Here is one great template for non-violent communication:
“I feel __________________________ when [context]_______________________.”
“Can we ___________________________?” (Offer a suggestion about how the two of you can move forward.)
“Would you ______________________________________?” (Make a direct request of the other person.)
We think dating is the perfect vehicle for learning more about yourself. We call this process “Dating to Discover.” Watch our Date to Discover Video
Begin to notice your inner dialog and feelings when you are on dates. How is it different when you are attracted to a man vs. when you are not attracted to him? Also, notice how his behavior affects your thoughts and/or feelings.
Is his behavior triggering you? Is this part of a larger story or negative pattern that you have about relationships? Do you go on the offensive when you feel that men don’t respect your wishes? This is not to make you feel “wrong” in these situations. This type of inquiry is information for you about yourself, and therefore infinitely useful!
As you move forward dating other men, keep asking for what you require as well as what you desire. The right man for you will respect your requests. If a man does not honor your wishes, then move on knowing that the right man is waiting for you, and you will be able to identify him quickly when he shows up.
Keep us posted on your progress.
Love and Abundance,