This week's question comes from Tina:
Hello Orna and Matthew
I am in a 7-year relationship. When we met I was very busy with a new business and to be honest I was not attracted to him. He was persistent and so kind to me. Slowly his kindness started to allure me. The first time he held my hand I felt irritated then I felt I didn't really want him to let my hand go. My attraction to him grew in a way I was not familiar with. I so loved the way he adored me, and there was something I had never experienced, an aroma that I was so drawn to. I wanted to be so close to him.
This has been 7 years of pure confusion. Within a year the man that adored me, started to speak to me not very nice and was not being honest. Yet he would say I am the love of his life. In 7 years we have had many breakups, yet we both could not let go. We have lived together 4 of the 7 years. Within the last 6 months I am seeing past behaviors, I swore I would never tolerate ever again.
I am not the strong confident person that I was before. I don't know how to find me anymore.
My question is “when do you say no more”?
Thank you for reaching out to us. We hear how hard this is for you. The truth is you already know the answer to your question. If you knew this relationship was healthy and would last then you wouldn’t be reaching out to us.
Many people who write to us tell a similar story. They are in a relationship with a man whose behavior tells them that he is not good for them. And yet they struggle with leaving because at one time his behavior was different and they hold out hope that things will go back and be good again.
The truth is at the beginning of all relationships we are in a chemical high. During this chemical high we behave in ways that are not our normal behavior. Our brains are being flooded with dopamine and it is just like being high on cocaine. This chemical will eventually wear off and we will relax back into our normal behavior.
We share this because we want you to understand that how a person behaves at the beginning of a relationship is not their true self. It’s not like he was lying or trying to deceive you. It’s just that he was high on love, and then the high wore off. After the high wore off, he felt comfortable showing you who he really is.
And based on what you wrote, who he really is, is not very nice and not always honest. That would explain the on again off again struggle you’ve been going through.
So our answer is, you say “no more” as soon as you can. End it. End contact with him. Take time to grieve and move on. Forgive yourself. When you are ready, forgive him. This pattern will not magically get better, nor will it go away.
You stated that you have lost your confidence in this relationship. The way to reclaim confidence in yourself is to leave, heal, and reclaim your true self.
So many people mistake love as something that is magical. You described it this way, “I so loved the way he adored me, and there was something I had never experienced, an aroma that I was so drawn to. I wanted to be so close to him.” He gave you something you never felt before and you mistook that for love.
This aching need, “We both could not let go,” speaks of a wound that is needing to be healed. This wound will not heal on its own, nor can someone else heal it for us. This is the wound of Your Love Imprint®.
Transforming Your Love Imprint® will ensure you don’t repeat this pattern with another man. Your Love Imprint is a system made up of your limiting beliefs, mental/emotional patterns, and behavioral strategies for giving and receiving love. Discovering this system and how it is driving your behavior is the first step.
If you want us to determine Your Love Imprint® sign up for a Your Love Imprint Session with us. We’ll put this system into clear language so you will know what needs to change for the pattern to end. We will also share with you different options for how you can transform Your Love Imprint® so you can be free to create long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,