This week's question comes from Amy:
Hi Orna and Matthew,
I am fairly new to your community and I am gobbling up all the great new insights on your website and in your blog. After my BF of over 7 years broke up with me I’ve been doing my best to put myself back together and I don’t want to repeat the mistakes I’ve made in the past.
Would you please let me know what you believe is the reason I’m attracted to a particular man instead of another?
I relate to everything you share about how I am the common denominator in all of my relationships and when I look backwards I don’t necessarily see a commonality in the men I’ve been in relationship with – the only thing that is the same is me.
Also, now that I’m dating again I’m wondering why one guy gives me all the feel good feelings and I feel absolutely nothing with another guy. Maybe I just emit the wrong kinds of pheromones to attract the kind of guy I want.
What do you think?
Welcome to our Love On Purpose Community™ and thank you for asking for our insights into what creates attraction.
Even though we’re not doctors, we can assure you that there is nothing wrong with your pheromones. After nearly a decade talking with women all over the globe, plus our personal experiences, we know that you select one man over another because of what is FAMILIAR to your subconscious mind about love.
Every child comes into this world as a clean slate. We are not born with blocks to love.
Yet, we are raised by flawed people, who are raised by flawed people, etc. and on back through the ages. Most of us were not loved exactly in the way we wanted to be by our parents (or whomever raised us).
Plus, our minds assign meaning to the events that occur. So even though you can never change the plot points of your past, it is possible to change the meaning you gave the events as a small girl, and make a new choice as a grown woman.
The reason we are “attracted” to one particular man over another is because we are programmed to SURVIVE. Your subconscious mind looks to bring you more of the same because right now you are alive.
Unfortunately your subconscious doesn’t know if you’re alive and blissfully happy, or alive and miserable. Analysis and the ability to judge are not a skill of the subconscious – only the conscious mind can do that.
Do your dreams at night when you’re asleep make sense?
Do these dreams follow a linear plot?
Are there images that morph and change with zero attachment to reality?
The dreams we have at night are in the language of the subconscious mind: symbol, image, story, and metaphor. They are not logical or linear in any way.
So when you find yourself “attracted” to a particular man it is a signal from the subconscious that this man is FAMILIAR.
It seems from your question that FAMILIAR has not been good for you, and you would like to be attracted to a different kind of man.
The key, once again, is in your subconscious.
Discovering and transforming your subconscious “story” about love is the most effective way to change the kind of man you are attracted to. Reading, analyzing, understanding, and generally thinking about doing things differently isn’t going to work.
Your big, beautiful brain is the wrong tool. Your conscious mind only controls about 5-10% of your behavior anyway. The other 90-95% of your behavior is controlled by your subconscious mind.
When your conscious desires are in conflict with the program running in your subconscious, that is when you struggle getting the results you desire. This is true of any part of your life – your health, your career success, and your relationships.
We wish we could write something here so your subconscious would be transformed, but it isn’t that simple.
The journey you’re looking for is one of transformation. First discovering the subconscious program that is causing one type of man to be attractive to you and another type to not be. Then doing the work to change that program and get it into alignment with your conscious desires.
You’ll also want to learn a new way to date and to communicate. Basically we are complex beings and so to sum up our answer: You need a whole new strategy for love.
If all of this sounds a little daunting, the good news is it doesn’t have to be! We put together a program called The Science of Creating Love™ that walks you through this process in just 7 short weeks.
This 7-module online program guides you through the three stages of transformation:
- Identify and remove your blocks
- Stepping into your authentic self
- Create your ideal relationship
Each module contains guided processes so you can release your patterns (the familiar things that are no longer serving you) and create a whole new road map to love.
Most people don’t have a process for knowing whether someone is a good match for them or not, instead people make that decision based on a feeling. Unfortunately, we can count on the fact that our feelings will change, and lasting-love is a choice. We want you to be able to choose an ideal partner, and also have the tools to make it last!
You can read more about The Science of Creating Love™ here.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,