This week's question comes from Melanie:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I really hope you can help me. I dated a man for 3 years who I really liked at the beginning. He was kind and affectionate and loving and I felt such an intense attraction to. However, as the years went on I discovered that he was emotionally unavailable. He would constantly blame me and avoid any responsibility for his behavior. I felt like he wanted to punish me by withholding love from me.
The problem is this. We broke up about 6 months ago but I can’t stop thinking about him. I know that he is not good for me but my heart keeps pulling me back.
How do I get over him? I’m exhausted and I want to move on, but for some reason, I can’t!
We’re so glad that you reached out to us. Yes, it can be so confusing and frustrating when our heart refuses to let go of someone that we know is bad for us. We want you to know there is a way out.
First, let's talk about why it feels so hard to let him go. We learn how to receive love in our family of origin and that pattern continues to play out in our intimate relationships as we get older.
We believe that all of us come into the world with zero blocks to love. You could think of a newborn infant as the physical embodiment of the energy of love. That is our true nature.
However, we learn very quickly in our family of origin that love is conditional. And as a little child, we take full responsibility for that situation. Instead of being able to say, “Gee Mom, what I really need is for you to love me and tell me that you believe in me.” We decide, “What is wrong with me that my mother is behaving this way.”
Once we take on this limiting belief, it becomes part of our identity. We literally believe the limitation as if it is the “Truth Of Who We Are.” We then find all kinds of evidence to support our limiting belief, further cementing it on the subconscious level.
Our subconscious mind is tasked with keeping us alive and the best way it knows how is to keep things the same. Therefore, what is “known” to us is safe and what is “unknown” to us feels dangerous. If withholding love is what we know from our family of origin, then we will be drawn to men who withhold.
Even more insidious, our inner child will try to get love from the withholding partner using all of the strategies and behaviors that we used as a child. The little girl inside of you is drawn to your ex because she believes if she can get him to love her then it will prove that she is loveable.
We call this system Your Love Imprint® and it is running the show in your love life. Your Love Imprint® includes your limiting beliefs, your mental and emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love. This system is what is keeping you stuck wishing that you could work it out with your ex.
When we meet someone who is a Love Imprint Match™, we often feel an overwhelming connection to that person. We can feel an intense attraction. It can knock us off balance and despite knowing that he is a bad match, it can become a bit obsessive.
The way out of this conundrum is to discover the system of Your Love Imprint and do the work of transforming it. Our do it yourself program The Soulmate Shortcut is a good way to get started.
The Soulmate Shortcut will guide you to discover Your Love Imprint® and give you tools to change the story so that you can create love from a whole new place, a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
If you are not interested in a DIY program and you’d rather connect with us directly to discover if private coaching is a good fit for you, please click here: Private Coaching Application
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,