This week’s question comes from Denise:
“Please help me. I’m afraid I acted crazy and pushed him away.
I was dating a man two months ago that broke up with me because I just wasn’t spending enough time with him. After the first date he emailed me and told me he stayed awake all night thinking of me and he really thought I was the one. He gave me a dozen red roses on our next date, called me beautiful, sweetie, and baby. I told him he needed to slow down, asked him to stop calling me these names every second and kept thinking I just was not used to a nice guy.
My gut said something was not right, but I tried. He would text me 20 times a day during work, would fly home and have to come see me that night after a business trip, etc. He’s been everything I’ve wanted but just so quick that it felt fake.
Now I sit here alone asking myself after 12 years of being divorced…why? Here was a man that showed he wanted me, and I pushed him away. I am 56 and feeling like it just is not ever going to happen for me. I have tried Match several times, been in a few long-term relationships, I have a good job, own my own home and I am alone.
Why did I push him away? He’s a nice guy, maybe I thought he was too good to be true? I read your newsletter every week and I sit here feeling scared to get out there again…but scared to not try.”
Thank you for your heartfelt question. Your fear of pushing someone away is more common than you think. There is so much pressure to find “The One” and when you’ve been single for a while it can feel like time is running out for you.
Dating doesn’t have to be a scary situation in which every little mistake you make has the possibility of dooming your chances for love. By changing your mindset and taking a new approach to dating you can increase your chances of finding lasting love and have fun in the process!
Change “I Pushed Him Away” To A Positive Thought
Our hearts feel heavy seeing you be so hard on yourself. It seems like you want to make yourself wrong or bad in some way when by your own admission this relationship didn’t feel right. If it doesn’t feel good, then it is not right for you.
The dating process is a selection process. It’s important for you to notice how you feel when you are with the guy you’re dating, and how you feel when you immediately part from him. What gets our attention is that you immediately began second-guessing yourself and judging your own behavior deciding that you pushed away a nice guy who was very into you.
Lasting love is a two-way street. Both people in the relationship must continue to choose each other again and again. Over time this creates a lasting bond for the couple. You cannot forego the intoxicating feeling of falling in love. This is an essential ingredient for love to last a lifetime.
Change your self-judgment about pushing him away to a positive and assign a new meaning to this experience – one that will move you towards an ideal match for love to last. Decide now that this relationship is evidence that you are worthy of love, and that the right man is on his way to you. You’ve been choosing to interpret the outcome of this relationship as a failure when you could just as easily see it as a success.
Look how powerful you are! You attracted a man who was so crazy about you that he instantly made you a priority in his life. He gave you roses, constantly texted you, and couldn’t wait to see you when he came home from a trip. You must be an amazing woman to inspire these actions in a man.
His behavior doesn’t mean that he is the right guy for you. Just because a guy is crazy about you doesn’t mean you have to be crazy about him. Staying with someone because you don’t know if anyone else will love you as much as he does is a product of low self-esteem. It means you don’t see your own value.
If you want a soulmate relationship, start loving yourself as much as this guy loved you! Make your needs and wants a priority. Decide that you are worth loving!
Instead of focusing on your fear of pushing someone away, look for what you learned from this experience that you can take into your next dating experience. Train yourself to release this pattern of harshly judging yourself. (You could even be grateful to this man for clearly showing you this pattern of self-judgment.)
Take The Pressure Off Your Search For Love
The search for love feels different than any other goal in life. The pressure to find lasting love is connected to your self-worth, your confidence, and your lovability. But what if that wasn’t the case? What if your sense of self wasn’t dependent on how someone you barely know felt about you?
Take the pressure off and see what dating is like when you are open and curious about the people you meet instead of critical and judgmental. Too many people approach dating with the mindset that they must protect themselves at all costs. As if the right person will know how to scale the walls, find a way through the moat, and take down all the guards around your heart.
Telling yourself, “I pushed him away,” is an excuse to feel bad about yourself. Judging him for being excited to see you is a strategy that no man will ever do it right. Both of these limiting beliefs are keeping you single.
Take a new approach to dating that allows you to just meet people without expectation and break the pattern of judgment that doesn’t give love a chance to bloom. You may find that it can be easy and fun to meet new people.
Never Judge A Man Who Wants To Claim You
Some guys come on strong. They fall in love quickly and want to move the relationship forward at lightning speed. This is usually a form of infatuation, but it isn’t fake. It simply means that he wants to claim you to take you off the market. He sees you as valuable because other men would want you too.
It’s your job to set the pace of the relationship while dating. A man who is truly interested in a relationship with you will adjust and slow things down for you.
A past client recently got engaged and we remember when she met her fiancé. He wanted to jump into exclusivity after only two dates. While coaching her, we told her to slow things down and tell him she wasn’t ready yet. She was afraid she’d lose him. Instead, they dated for several months before going exclusive and have been going strong ever since.
It could be a red flag if he is unable or unwilling to adjust and slow things down. Making requests is not pushing someone away. It is the best strategy for you to get what you want.
Dating Purposefully Requires Curiosity
Keeping an open and curious mindset while dating will do a better job of protecting your heart than being critical and judgmental. When you are curious about your date and his behavior, then you can discover more about him and if you two are an ideal match.
Curiosity also keeps you from pushing someone away because you are asking questions instead of making judgments. Being curious keeps your expectations in check. This ultimately keeps you from putting your lovability in the hands of a stranger.
Be curious about yourself as well. Notice your inner dialog while dating and keep an eye out for judgment and any other patterns that block you from being open and curious.
Do not assign meaning to every little behavior. Sometimes people are as they appear to be. Looking for hidden meanings or signs that something is wrong just puts you on high alert and keeps you from being present to the moment.
Being open and curious doesn’t mean that you excuse bad behavior. If your date is controlling, manipulative, or abusive in any way, move on. No amount of chemistry is worth being in a relationship with a toxic person.
Develop Discernment Through The Dating Process
Slowing things down, making requests, and staying curious allows you to develop a discerning mindset while you are dating. This will help you choose wisely before you go exclusive with someone.
Rather than judging a man’s enthusiasm take time to discover if it is real and sustains over time. Does he stay as excited about you three, six, or twelve months into dating? Or does your request to take things more slowly put out his fire? He will be revealed to you over time and there is no reason to rush.
Making requests gives you the opportunity to see his ability to adjust to your needs and desires. You may not get everything you ask for, but you will discover if he is capable of adjusting to accommodate you. Ultimately you want a man whose goal is to make you happier.
Cultivating discernment through the dating process helps you avoid making rash judgments and throwing a good man away because of a mistake (like miscommunication). It also helps you to discover your own limiting beliefs and whether you are open to receive the love you desire.
You Can’t Say Or Do The Wrong Thing With The Right Person
The fear of pushing someone away is ultimately the fear of making a mistake. Beating yourself up thinking you did something wrong doesn’t allow you to grow from this experience. Ultimately, when you meet the right person the two of you will figure it out together and work through your differences.
With the right person, you grow together rather than apart. In a soulmate relationship, the two of you will continue to choose each other again and again. There is no relationship without conflict. There is no magical person that you won’t ever have problems with. Great relationships happen because two people choose to love each other and to overcome the challenges they face together.
Uncovering your subconscious blocks to love will allow you to love yourself more fully making a soulmate relationship possible.
Don’t let the fear of pushing someone away stop you from going after the love you want. If you’re ready to change your strategies and discover how you can date for your soulmate, join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. During this session, we’ll share a custom plan for how you can create the lasting love you desire.
Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER. They uncover subconscious blocks to love so that you can select an ideal partner to share your life with. Follow them on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.