This week’s question comes from Emma:
“Dear Orna and Matthew,
I love reading your notes and believe that you give the best dating advice online. I hope you can help me! I am tired of struggling to find love.
Here is my question:
Why do I fall in love so quickly when I find a man fancies me?
I skip over all the stages of examining if the man is right for me, and dive right into the stage of being in a relationship. And once I am in a relationship, I just get too focused in it, and too ignorant to other parts of my life instantly. I need help.”
Thanks for reaching out to us. We want you to know you are not alone. We hear from many women who struggle with this issue and we’ve helped many find a new path to soul-satisfying, long-lasting love.
We find it fascinating that you put the power of your relationships on the other person. You fall in love quickly when, “A man fancies me.” Notice you didn’t write when you are attracted to him.
You are putting your lovability and your acceptability in his hands. As if he is one the one that decides IF you are worthy of being loved.
You also give up your needs and your desires when this happens. We would guess that your friends don’t even hear from you when you start dating a new man, right?
You’ve already taken the first step, which is to recognize that you need to ask for help. The great news is that you can end this pattern.
The way out is actually by going within. Notice your inner dialog on a daily basis. We all have an ongoing conversation with ourselves. Is yours negative or is it positive?
When you become aware of what you are saying to yourself about yourself you can take steps to change your inner dialogue.
Do you beat yourself up when you make mistakes? Do you give other people’s opinions more weight than your own? Do you put yourself down and think that you aren’t worth having what you want? Are you more focused about how the other person is feeling until you are alone, and then your own feelings start to dribble in and you are overcome with all the emotions you’ve holding back?
All of these patterns can leave you feeling bad about yourself and suddenly some man comes along and tells you how great he thinks you are and that feels really good. You then fear that he will take away his love so you put all of your energy into him, making sure he is happy and getting what he wants. The rest of your life begins to suffer and eventually he tires of being with someone who doesn’t seem to have a life of her own.
You get clingy and he starts to think you’re too needy and off he goes… Poof! Right into the Guy Bermuda Triangle to meet up with all your other past dates like some kind of odd fraternity reunion, right?
Beginning a practice of self-love is not about getting massages and mani-pedi’s. Self-love is about taking an honest assessment of who you are. Then to add in the discipline to change your behavioral patterns that are no longer working for you.
Self-love is being able to draw a boundary between you and him. Self-love is taking the time to get clear on who you are, what you want, and a plan of action to see the changes through.
Self-love is saying I am worth doing the hard work of changing now, in order to live a happy and fulfilling life from here on out. Having a satisfying relationship is part of this future.
If you are ready to take a dive into doing the real work of loving yourself then check out our comprehensive online course, The Science of Creating Love™ .
Whatever your current relationship status, this in-depth 7-module program contains our most powerful processes to create change on the subconscious level.
It’s like having us in your ear walking you through every step. Each module will be delivered to your email in-box once a week, and you simply follow along with the audio program (transcript included) and the workbook.
This program is the closest thing we have to working with us privately no matter your current situation.
This home study course is the most powerful tool for creating love and it is only available here:
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,