This week’s question comes from Sally:
Dear Orna & Matthew,
I started reading your emails & posts 2 years ago, and today I still find myself reliving the past everyday.
In March of 2010, I thought I had met the man of my dreams (my supervisor at work). We had a great working relationship for 6 years prior to dating. We talked and laughed everyday.
On March 4, 2010, I asked him if he would like to get together for a drink. He agreed.
For the next 2 years we saw each other everyday, but Sunday. We enjoyed going out and cooking dinner together. He even babysat my granddaughter every Tuesday.
In November of 2012 is when things started falling apart. He wouldn’t return my calls/texts.
A few weeks later he told me he doesn’t want to be anybody’s Father/Grandfather. I told him no ones expects you to be. His reply, it was just a given.
In January of 2013, he told me to, “Move On.”
My heart was shattered! A friend told me he had been seeing another for the last 6 months of our relationship.
The “Red Flags” are so clear, but yet it doesn’t matter.
1. Divorce not final
2. Not meeting his family/friends
3. Keeping our relationship a secret at work
4. His anger that I told a few people at work
5. He never slept over… and many more.
Marc Brousard writes a fabulous song: “Let Me Leave.” It’s our relationship to a tee.
This man did nothing but lie and deceive me and yet I still love him. Why?
I have read everything possible on relationships and moving on. I’ve even turned to God, but nothing seems to help. I’ve even tried your inner child ideas.
At 52 years of age, I find myself lost. Can you help with this painful reliving of the past?
Thank you for being a loyal reader. And yet, we have to ask you, have you been paying attention to the message we’ve been sending week after week in here in our Love Notes Weekly newsletter?
The key is identifying Your Love Imprint® and doing the work to heal the past, particularly your relationship with your parents. You ask us why do you still love him? The answer is quite clear to us: Because his deception feels familiar to you.
Your subconscious mind recognizes something within him that feels familiar to what you received as a very young girl. This familiarity is more important than whether or not the relationship is healthy. Your subconscious does not judge the situation as being ‘good’ or ‘bad’. It only wants to keep things the same because right now you are alive. It doesn’t have the ability to judge if you are alive and happy, or alive and sad.
Newborn children must feel two things in order to survive: to feel loved and to feel safe. We will take on any belief, behavior, or emotional response in order to feel these feelings. Dig into your past and see if you can discover the limiting beliefs you have about yourself that are creating the pattern that lead you to accept a part-time relationship as if it was the real deal.
The truth is that we don’t know enough about the circumstances to be really clear on the particular blocks you have that allowed you to stay in this situation for as long as you did.
We are clear that you are the one who asked him out initially which put you in the masculine role in the relationship. There is nothing wrong with a woman driving a relationship forward if her ideal relationship is with a man who is mostly in his feminine.
The problem begins when a woman wants a man to take the lead, and yet she is the one driving the relationship forward. There would be no reason for a man to step up because the woman is doing everything.
This may have been the case throughout this relationship, we don’t know for certain. What we do know is that your attraction to him, and the fact that you believe you continue to love him is not serving you. He is not the man for you and in reality he never was.
Moving on can only happen when you find what we call “The Golden Nugget.” This is when you access the ability to be grateful for all that you learned through this relationship. Perhaps you learned that you will never allow someone who is important to you to be a secret. Maybe it’s that you learned that you will never sacrifice your needs and move on when someone you are dating expects that you ought to.
As far as reading all the books on relationships we want you to know the truth about relationship books. They will only meet you where you are at. There can be some great information, however, unless you take NEW ACTION things will never change for you.
Take our Inner Child Dates for example (since you mentioned them). The process of regularly doing them will create a new relationship with yourself – one that will allow you to only look inside for love, approval, and acceptance.
When you have that kind of relationship with yourself, the selection process of dating is a very different experience than going on dates for validation, approval, and love.
What you feel toward this man is not “love” in the sense of a Beloved relationship. It feels like “love” to you because it is familiar to what love felt like in your past, from your childhood.
When you connect with your Beloved the relationship will be EASY! This doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges, those will emerge over time, however at the beginning it will feel quite blissful.
Our sense is that this kind of relationship would feel quite foreign to you. That a relationship with a man that didn’t have some kind of struggle or drama in it would be one that would feel quite boring and you would think there was no spark or attraction.
Right now Your Love Imprint® is selecting someone who would not be completely available to you. One of the most effective and efficient way to transform Your Love Imprint™ is our online course The Science of Creating Love™.
This 7-module program walks you through all the steps we’ve described above plus a lot more tools for long-lasting love.
Each module contains a minimum of two guided processes which work to bring your subconscious on board with your conscious desires, so that you become a powerful creator. This program will guide you through all 3 phases of the transformation – identifying and transforming your blocks to love (including Your Love Imprint®), stepping into your authentic self, and the creation phase.
You can learn more about The Science of Creating Love™ here.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,