This week's question comes from Clare:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
Thank you so much for all your work on the subject of love. I read your notes regularly and have been working on my blocks for some years now. I have recognized some of my dating patterns and have become more conscious of my feelings.
3 months ago I met a wonderful guy. A connection we both cherished and appreciated. However in the last week there seems to be a shift. We've had little ‘discussions' about household chores: he's very set in his ways and I have spoken about this and he is aware of it. He is positive with this and says we need to evolve together as we are learning about each other.
I know he is my soulmate because I can be very open with him. However, feelings arise when he is tired or a bit Moody or I don't do the chores correctly and I feel rejected. I feel like that little girl again. I know on a conscious level this is crazy, we all get tired and moody or agitated but I take it so personally. I feel a giant knot inside me.
Then I doubt everything. Am I ready? Is there still more work to be done? Do I end it so I can continue working on myself? Or can I work on this while with him? He's a wonderful guy, he knows about my upbringing (domestic violence) and I know he'd support me if I spoke to him but this is my journey and I don't want him to feel he can't be tired, agitated, or even angry…. these are normal human emotions. So why do I take them so personally?”
Congratulations on meeting a wonderful guy and welcome to the power struggle stage of relationship! What you are experiencing is normal and is to be expected at some point in every relationship.
The power struggle is a natural progression of every relationship and it comes after the romance stage. In the romance stage we are so excited about the other person because he is so different. Once the chemical high of romance begins to fade, we begin to feel frustrated because he is so different.
Just because you’ve met your soulmate doesn’t mean that you won’t have miscommunication, disagreements, and conflict. It doesn’t mean that every day will be filled with happiness and great sex. It doesn’t mean that this person won’t hurt, frustrate, or trigger anger in you.
It is an unrealistic expectation that there won’t be issues that arise, and we can assure you that you will be triggered into feeling badly in any relationship, with anyone. It is part of the human experience to feel the full range of human emotion.
We want to reveal a not so hidden secret about our relationship: We fight. That means that there are times we feel angry and speak in raised voices. Or we have miscommunication, or we are triggered in some way and we revert back to old strategies. This doesn’t happen all that often, and we have honed our skills so that we know what to do when it does.
Conflict in a relationship is normal and can be a doorway to creating a deeper connection. You will never be perfect enough, healthy enough, or spiritual enough that conflict will magically disappear forever. And anyone who tells you that they don’t experience conflict in their relationship is either lying about it or avoiding it.
If you continue to keep it to yourself it will only create a deeper sense of disconnection between the two of you.
Being with your soulmate means you can talk about anything. Being with your soulmate means you are in this relationship to grow. Being with your soulmate means that you can’t mess it up.
The Gottman Institute estimates that the average couple waits a minimum of 6 years with a relationship ending issue before seeking professional help. We find this statistic heartbreaking! Avoiding conflict is what will drive a wedge between two people.
It makes sense that with your upbringing conflict can feel scary and unsafe. These fears were real in your childhood and that part of you is fighting to keep you safe. Facing these fears and doing it anyway will transform your life and allow you to create soul-satisfying, long-lasting love.
These fears are part of Your Love Imprint®, the system in your subconscious mind that includes your limiting beliefs, your mental and emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies for giving and receiving love.
You already recognize that his behavior triggers your old emotional patterns. That is why you take his behavior personally. This is a great opportunity for you to continue to heal these wounds from your past.
If you would like us to determine the strategies and patterns in your subconscious that are triggering you, we recommend applying for a Your Love Imprint® Session. During this session we will diagnose the belief system that is driving your behavior and share with you opportunities to transform this pattern for good.
Having a healthy conscious relationship means that you have learned what to do when you are triggered so you can create connection rather than disconnection. This will allow you to stop taking your partner’s behavior personally, and focus the healing where it belongs: on YOU!
It is possible for you to heal your past wounds which then allows you to develop deeper levels of trust and intimacy in your relationships.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,