This week's question comes from Deborah:
Hello Orna and Matthew,
It’s funny to think this is the first time I’m writing directly to you as I feel like I’ve known you both for many years now through your online events and webinars.
From all that I’ve heard from you, I’m pretty sure you’ll tell me to move along and let him go, and maybe that is what I need to do… yet I find myself holding on to hope. Maybe you can show me what I did wrong.
There’s a guy I know through my small community and he is exactly what I want. He’s a prominent member of the community, smart, funny, articulate – when I see him I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush.
Basically he invites me over, emails me a lot, and yet when I’m with him it’s like he’s distracted. The first time I went over his son was there, and neither one asked anything about me. I almost felt extraneous. It’s like I was crashing their night together or something.
All the yummy feelings wash over me when I’m reading his emails, and yet every time I’ve seen him I walk away feeling unsatisfied. Lately I feel like his interest in me is waning, and I’m starting to feel like I did something to push him away.
I really thought that FINALLY a guy I’ve been pining over actually asks me out… and now I’m wondering what is really going on because it seems like I blew my chance.
What do I do?
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing what is going on with you so clearly.
The experience you are describing is what we call a Love Imprint Match – you have a fantasy of this guy that is in your conscious mind, and signal from your subconscious lights up to tell you, “This is familiar! This is familiar!”
What most other Love Coaches do not understand is that those who struggle to have lasting-love have a mismatch between what they think they want and what is really in their heart’s desire.
No amount of dating strategies will change who you have that spark of attraction with, and you cannot settle and attempt to go without it. No one can settle for a lifetime, and the men you believe are an ideal match will lead to the same dead end road you’ve been down before.
We all learn to receive love in our family of origin – so what love FEELS like to the subconscious mind gets locked away inside there. What you describe as the “yummy feelings” you get from reading the emails this guy sends you are created by you filling in the blanks – all the unsaid things in the emails you receive are being tilted in your imagination.
When you actually spend time with this guy, you’re left unsettled because he is not who you imagined him to be. You experience him as aloof and distracted and instead of realizing he is not your Mr. Right, you look inside and instead blame yourself as if you did something wrong.
There is nothing wrong with you. You didn’t do something to push him away. This is simply not the guy you are looking for.
Your Love Imprint® is made up of your limiting beliefs, your mental/emotional patterns, and behavioral strategies for giving and receiving love. It determines who you have the spark of attraction with!
The “yummy feelings” you describe we would imagine are the feelings you think you’re supposed to have with your Beloved – that’s incorrect – it’s like a false positive on a test.
Releasing the idea that you know what the feelings are supposed to be might feel like a loss to you right now. Ultimately it’s a small loss for what can be HUGE rewards because when you release what you think you know you leave space for change to occur.
Ask yourself if when you’ve had those “yummy feelings” in the past if it ever worked out well for you?
We know that the answer is a resounding, “No!” because you wouldn’t be part of our Love On Purpose Community if you weren’t still stuck.
Stuck feeling like you did something wrong. Stuck with the idea that you can’t have what you want. Stuck worrying that you’ll never find the love that you dream of.
Releasing what you think you know is only a tiny step in the right direction.
It is time to give up your old dream of what love is supposed to feel like and step into the curiosity of what love can be.
We realize this is a risk but it is one worth taking. When you risk taking a new path you open yourself up to being a beginner in love. When you approach love as a beginner then you are able to let go of your old expectations and allow yourself to be curious.
Curiosity in love is an irresistible quality.
If you are ready to be a beginner again, we’d like to share with you our online program for transforming your journey to love, The Science of Creating Love™.
This 7-module online program guides you to discover your past patterns, transform them, and then create a new vision of what love means to you. This new vision is no longer tainted by the disappointments of the past. You get to be a beginner in love once again.
You can read more about The Science of Creating Love™ here.
Once you complete this journey you’ll never have to question whether or not you did something wrong. You’ll know without a doubt whether he is a match for you or not.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,